Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”

 

Camping Solo 

Rest day today, camping tomorrow. 

I ground my coffee #thanksReunionIsland 

I cooked my cabbage, and made a slaw #thanksBerryFreshFarms (started working there today!)



I prepped some things and froze others:


I learned fire building tips from a pro, thanks Cris!

I’m going to be ight, and am looking forward to being in nature, the constant noise here is getting to me. My body wants a break from training, but mind is racing. Bringing yoga mat, hiking shoes and kayak. Trying to match mind level w body needs, slow things down.

Music is made in the silence between the notes.

Anxious

Up since 3am.

Hungry and anxious because I’m booked for camping Monday – Fri, meaning no training, out-of-comfort zone meals, letting go…reading, I’m so excited to rest but scared as well. I’m forcing it on myself. I know my body is in danger if I don’t listen to it, and I mean like- heart/stress fracture kind of scary.

I’ve got to pack and prepare and really don’t love this part. #Allthebeefjerky 

Might document #paleocamping … but also #fuckdiets so might not….will see.

Here’s my list for now- not bringing it all:

Corn on cob= challenge- even non-gmo but want to fire-pit n’ butter tha shi na mean? Also: anyone made “Spider hot-dogs”?

Anyone in Algonquin next week?

Here’s my big ass salad bc I’m hungry, lunch?  “OKAY, bodyyyy!” You want food? Okay!

What’s in here? What’s NOT in here! We got avo nooch hummus sesame seeds peanuts hummus and veg from garden (cukes came in!)


Also dl good music for the road, like this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5HZYhcyHNo8 

Yam Chickpea Curry

Homade curry #bitchdidwha

Thanks, Ange (“oh she glows”…she “glistens”/glows/gluts…glutes?)

Sweet potato chickpea coconut curry


When I bought this from Sorauren Market, it was a challenge. It’s easier to buy these things than make them bc when I make them I skimp on shit freely (sub yam for like, cauli or some shit…) but bub DELIVERED and made this: with ghee bc #OGHEE

have to say…”oh she glows” is a rather irritating name for a blog (sorry Angela #imhonest), although so is “halfbakedunrealist” (SOMEONE HELP me WITH MY WEBSITE IVE BEEN TRYING TO CHANGE THIS ANNOYING NAME FOR YEARS). Buttttt woman has some real good recipes (minus so much soy) esp when trying to eat more carbs.

My house smells great, this curry will be yum. 

Also, instead of the chilli flakes, I used a green chilli that I snagged from the planter at Reunion Island #thanksAdam (againwiththehonesty) #willrepaywithbasilmojito

Didn’t want to do my ride. Legs like “wtf”…Did anyways. One day, I’ll learn.

Wif dem Konjac noodles and cilantro


Also came across two inspirations: Coach Tawnee (this article was amazing in depicting the internal dialogue around food with anorexia…bless) and Tina Muir (fucking fast AS chick and wicked woman, Hypothalamic Amenorrhea overcomer, inspiration, support).

There’s support out there and it feels so good to know I’m not alone.

And this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?ebc=ANyPxKpOVgaIzTAFb0MhpTEVYTRaKw1x0c8iwks-uhqj1-pT5VYkMhLoMdDG0Q3P4eHkWWTwbiRp2s6yuP7iGNsiI1uvgoX6iA&v=S77zUWqawag

Sunday Rest Day

I’m quoting myself:

Listen to the whispers or you’ll be forced to abide by the screams.

On my wall


Post it lists of challenges for myself. 

I haven’t taken a rest day in way too long, and decided I’m taking Sundays off as I used to do. It was a non-negotiable.

Posting here for accountability. Will probs go to yoga still. 

Namaste 

Meat Pie Food Fear challenge

My community is so supportive since I’ve been more vocal about overcoming my eating disorder.  It’s great.  BQM supported my first burger (albeit, bunless), The Rude Boy (polite*) is sponsoring me for my second, and North Shore Pie co gave me free meat pies to support my challenge to eat the filling of the pie which I did yesterday:

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I had the filling, and it was yum.  I asked for the ingredients, and ya, apart from good-sourced meat, it has cornstarch (not non-GMO, or organic….but fucking eh).

There’s no magic supplement, fish oil, snake-skin-superfood or turmeric and black pepper that’s going to get some lbs on my skeleton, nor is there an easy way out.

Eat more, stress less (this means “stress” in all senses of the word: cold showers to working out).

I’m struggling with both.  Straight up.  I am challenged to rest, and challenged to eat more.  I’ll challenge my food fears, but honestly, I know how to “calculate” the risks so “everything evens out”.

I know I gotta shut that shit out the window and let go and just allow myself to feel the hunger and satiety cues.  I’ve started meditating daily again, for only 10 mins, but it’s huge.

And my GOD: I’m NOT alone.  SO many people have expressed similar struggles since I’ve been more vocal, so here’s to us all trucking on.  From skin-picking anxiety, to OCD, to distracting through numbing of all different vices (weed, alch, exercise, food).

The key is to stop running away and face myself.  To listen and connect.  THIS is why my 10  minute meditation practice is going to save my life: I am going to save my life. Ya…I’m going to the damn gym when I should probs rest….but I’m packing a snack for afterwards that I’ll eat without thinking, simply with feeling, and I’ll meditate like Buddha.  OM

See you in a bar past 9pm in 5lbs…and thankgodfortinder.

Jah bless.