Where I’m at Now

There are so many stories about post-recovery from dis-ease, and here’s one for the now of dis-ease. Being in The Storm is meritable, valid and crucial. The “in-shit”, not the “aha”that comes through healing. What about the pain in healing? I’ve struggled with eating disorders of all sorts for years. I am currently in a bout of depression, keeping afloat, finding peace within me, tempted by escapism and distraction albeit, but aided through therapy to return to the source, myself, to heal.

Lack of self-love and compassion are so harmful, especially when cultivated compoundedly, and one day, they avalanche into presence, and you don’t know how they built up because you can’t see the forest for the trees. It’s so easy to continue with routine and avoidance, but half a life is not Life, not My Life.

There is so much wonderful information about the recovery process and causes of eating disorders. My roots lie in lack of self-love, lack of meaningful self-attachment, lack of self-purpose and pain avoidance as a form of survival. Ultimately, I’m “holding on”, attempting at an obtuse way to control where I feel I am out of control in other aspects of life. I’ve read Pema Chodron’s book “When things fall apart” recently, and her theme is that of groundlessness. This is the essence of life, not grasping on to solidity, not striving for consistency or any form of permanence. To breathe though all the shit and be. I have to believe that I am worth nurturing, worth thriving, worth a whole life.

Eating disorders, after all, are never about the food. With the visible symptoms of weight and food, it’s so easy to falsely blame source, but symptoms aren’t cause. Like Eastern medicine; Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine both reach for the sources of illness, which lie deep within. Oh fuck, that’s The Work. In the Now. Right now, I had a controlled morning, a controlled breakfast, a controlled schedule. I have been doing 60 min spins on my indoor trainer since returning from my Vipassana 10-day silent meditation course (of which I stayed 3 days because #O#%*@&#$!!!!). I was doing little runs, like I had done in New Zealand, but my body wasn’t accustomed to the pavement and Brimley hill, and spoke in form of a calf strain. Body isn’t recovering well because I stand in the way via not loving myself enough to properly treat my whole self. And so, I spin first thing in the morning. I woke up hungry, and rode through it after taking a Ginseng shot from Xiaolan, a Chinese Medicine goddess in Toronto (an inspirational woman to my being, to the Healer I will become as I heal myself). Breakfast was a “smoothie bowl” with Vega pro and peanut butter, but so diluted because man, ultimately, a damn protein powder smoothie bowl isn’t real food to my body. Real food is how I will intuit my needs and properly fuel, instead of monotonously following routined habit because it is “safe”. This is fear based, because I am afraid of leaving the safe level of comfort with myself that I’ve chosen. The “safe” liking of myself that dictates the set point at which I choose to live my life and treat myself day in- to day end. Wow, fuck eh. That’s it. The thermostat switch needs to change right thur.

I am slowly doing little acts of self-care, and believing that I deserve it. Fuck all this hippie spiritual non-consumerism sometimes because I really feel good in my new silk dress (although as I love myself more, my ass will look more apple-bummed and nicely “jolly” in it). I give myself the space to be human in this lifetime, in this consumerist age. It doesn’t mean that I am less spiritually grounded or rubbish like that. Although I’ve taken a break from social media; Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all of which I had abused and was blinded into thinking that those relationships were real, when really they were void-filling. I see that these resources can be tools, just as Mind is a tool. My left hand pines for the phone to scroll on insta while eating, but I am reminding myself constantly to “use my mind” instead. Mindfully respect myself and food while I eat. I see how I treat food as a void filling my attachment needs (to self, to others, to purpose), and it is so easy to fall into habit of self-blinding when it hurts the most to accept where I am at, right NOW. Fuck, right now I have a bit of indigestion, and want to expend my being into something, to FEEL, and so I write. I am a little bloated after breakfast, because I know my set-point of Self-love has been hyper-vigilantly controlled after my morning spin – it’s like I am now able to maintain that “threshold pace” for the day after starting on that note. I am close to changing, to choosing Yoga in the morning instead of spinning. My legs are so tired from spinning and I don’t enjoy it. I love running, and want to heal so that I can run and do it out of enjoyment rather than compulsivity. To settle in the groundlessness of not knowing how the world will be tomorrow, maybe I run, maybe I don’t.   To love myself enough to trust in the adaptation process. To have my drives stem from a place of utterly compassionate self-love and a deep desire for self-care. That’s why I didn’t aimlessly walk around today, aimlessly trek downtown, aimlessly take my laptop to the plaza’s lib or employment services centre to punch out this post or to distractedly read or scroll though twitter feed. To side-tab endlessly at Craigslist job postings that I deep down know aren’t pursposed for me right now, healing is priority. I am so keen to help others and be of service, but see this at the time as a way to distract myself from healing Me. As I heal, I will be able to help so much, to give, to work, to be around others at this vibrational level in a balance of giving, receiving, wholesomely. It’s 10:17am, and in my head I know I’m counting down the time until lunch, kind of. I see how I fill my time with emptying and filling, as a means to play out a supposed life in the set-point I am at. I wish to raise my self-love set-point. I am starting with breath and awareness.

No phone at the table.

Compassionate shoulder-melting

Finding my “still-pointed awareness” prior to meals

Connecting, meaningfully to others that uplift me

Seeking inspiration from other Wild Women

Slowly letting go; cultivating curiosity with letting go of my “anchors” that aren’t serving me

Using muscle testing when I am uncertain of my path

Trusting that the universe has my back

Petting Cleocatra

Dear little Melanie,

I love you,

I’m sorry,

Please forgive me,

Thank you.

Serve Yourself

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Mitch Hedberg

 

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

Alan Kay

I do many things in my life in a pyramid structure; work, spin workouts, swims sets, runs:

John Salt’s Classic 1:45’s Spin

15            1:30

30            1:15

45            1:00

1:00            45

1:15            30

1:30            15

1:30            15

1:15            30

1:00            45

45            1:00

30            1:15

15            1:30

It’s a build, it’s a hold, it’s a flux, and it’s a structure.  Sometimes the pyramid feels good, I do it twice (sprint, then tempo).  Sometimes I don’t do it at all.  Sometimes I think that a coupla quick 100+ rmp (fast leggies) sprints are good enough for a warm up.

Just because things are simple, or repeated, does not make them less progressive.

In life; this is directly relatable.  I’ve been toying with the idea of consumerism, and feel uneasy with the city living I’m in.  I moved from North Shore Vancouver to the West End, and feel more than ever this desire for disconnection.  In my city life; I see the inflation of food.  Work more in order to pay for better food.

I’ve stepped outside of my bubble to look at the picture I’m painting of my life.  My job is a means to an end; money for rent.  I’m tagging along with the flow, mindlessly.  Hold UP!  Tune in Tokyo, le WHY!?  It’s what is done <– bullshit.  Just as a mindless workout gives me little room for fitness goal reaching, mindless job is the same stagnation of growth.  Am I working to work, or working to grow.  The pyramid here shows that I can feel like I’m building in a job, the format is sound; people do it – climb the corporate ladder to the top.  External recognition can cloud internal voices that plead for a shake up.  Plead for a change, plead for soul food.

But simplicity, and space to let your soul speak (this is an endeavouring entrepreneur speaking and I understand that not all people will be able to connect to this) is needed.  At any given point we can slow down and take a step back to see if the 1:45’s at 120+rpm are serving us.

I overheard a conversation of a coupla yoga instructors who were relaying a story of a friend who is on a journey to Nepal to teach yoga, with free room an board.  They joked that this is pretty much what they’re doing here in Vancouver; working, to pay for rent and food, give or take the odd ski trip.

Interesting.  Who’s path is more appealing; working in Vancouver teaching yoga at a prime studio, or in an unpaid job in a lesser off country, with fewer luxuries, and no rent or buying food.

So I chewed on this.

If we go back to basics, mnmlsm; we work less, (maybe, maybe not – Tim Ferriss 4-hour Workweek concept) and make less money, and spend more time doing things we have let society construct for us as necessities.

  • plant a garden for food
  • live in boonies, pay less tax
  • organic food waterfalls into less health care costs by virtue of better health
  • less stress (chosen, albeit)

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I think the possibilities for reaping rewards from minimalism, subtracting, unplugging, are endless.  Now I know that we can justify just about anything that our powerful minds come to believe, but I believe this.

This theory resonates with me, and I realize that it might not resonate with others.  I’m not keen on new technologies, new automated things, faster, better, efficient.  None of this equates to effectiveness, and slowing down is the life for me.  I don’t want to cut out space (time) for faster cooking.  I want to spent time making my meals with the main ingredient of love, it tastes better.

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Work less, consume less, and channel your energy to tuning into your self.  Give yourself space to grow.  That’s why were here.  To take up space, experience, nourish our souls.

The pyramid shows the unnecessary crap that can be filled in the base to grow a structure taller.  We choose what the filler is.  Is it more work?  Or is it more space?  What will be more stable?  Screw that, stability is comfort; routine is bland.  Sometimes a shaky base paves way for a new pyramid, or a new structure that is better suited for us.

Take a step back and remember that we are never at any effect of anything.  We always choose what we want.  There are influences, but we choose to let them sway our thoughts, our choices, and our actions.  Being mindful, inquiring internally if something is serving us is a way to be present to seek out soul’s path.

I can set out with an intent to work hard in a pyramid-formatted run, but am I working to work, or working to genuinely nourish my love for sport and respect the athlete self that I am.

The elaborate building, the esoteric and obtuse concepts of different workouts, different ways to live, different jobs; they all boil down to simplicity.

I can write a complicated workout, because Triathlon.com makes it seem like the athlete will improve if a specific workout is completed.  I can change my running gait, because it is more “efficient”.  But in the end, I think the improvements seen are a factor of what we choose to believe.  I write a workout, and feel that it is a “good one” (those who train with me know what this means – puke pace, anyone?).  But I’ve already set out to define it a certain way.  I can read that supportive running shoes will reduce impact and injuries.  All the fluff, all the information.

I choose to believe that anything inauthentic to our beings is energy-sucking.  I am drained when I fight my beliefs.  In seeking external confirmation, affirmation, preachings, we silence our inner voice, we belittle it.  Listen to that voice.

By tuning in, I’m learning that my body wants me to succeed in anything that my soul deeply, deeply wishes.  My genuine pleasure, deepest desires they will come forth if I allow them to, and with patience, space, and acceptance, I will be led into the direction that I am meant to, that I choose to.  Easily.

In workouts, I do have things written on a page, or a mental guideline.  The pyramid builds, and I start out on the journey, inversely or not.  But nothing is finite.  We can always go back to our own voice and listen to it.

I don’t want to make the mistake of seeping energy from my being, simply because I want to fill the pyramid with fluff.  I tune in, look in.  Gaining knowledge and ideas from external sources is a beautiful thing in our society with ample accessibility to information resources, but contemplate their authenticity in your being.  Does it resonate with you?  Inquire deeply if it does.  Don’t form a pyramid simply because you want to form it, if it is draining you.  Don’t lose yourself in the norm, because it is what everyone else is doing.  Respect yourself.  And my god, if you start climbing, and the view makes you fly, the feeling enflames your soul, then soar baby.

Take a few steps here to tune in:

Exercise to Evaluate if your life is working for you:

 

  1. Sit in a quiet place where you feel comfortable. 
  2. Bring into focus your energy management; where you give room for your energy.  Rank the top 3. 
  3. Take each of the three top energy demands in your life, and sit with each one in your mind for at least 2 minutes eachAsk yourself how each one makes you feel as you focus on it.  Inquire your being as to how you hold your muscles, your belly, your shoulders, your posture, your hands, your restful state.  Are you fidgeting? Or at peace?
  4. Write down three words that you can settle upon for each of the three energy fields. 
  5. Now objectively look to see if they serve you. 
  6. Next step: finding what serves you, if these do not. 

It’s never too late to start.  A great way to find what we need is to eliminate what we don’t.

The conventional river flows fiercely, and swimming upstream is hard, but damn Salmon are a tasty fish, especially when cooked with love.

Support and Shit

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Today is one of the most beautiful days we’ve had in a while, the sun is gleaming and people are smiling.  You don’t realize the lack of sun-streak of weather you’ve got until the yellow god peeks from the clouds and shines through everything.  Warm and good vibes.

Yesterday was a rough day.  After expecting to have my MRI results from my physiotherapist, I was heartbroken after I arrived without news; he legally isn’t able to tell me.  This is so hard, after being informed that I could get results from him by the receptionist (reason for not making a follow-up appointment with the referring doc), and arriving at my morning appointment after a sleepless night, the only word to describe how I took the news is heartbroken.  So I have an appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon on March 14th (next wed) where I’ll get all the info I need, but in my world I should have known results on the 24th of Feb (day of my MRI) and 3 weeks to read something that I could know instantly is pretty unfathomable to me.  If I had an “in” or knew someone I could have the results with the snap of a finger.  It’s terribly disheartening.

But I can’t live in “ifs” and “shoulds” and “woulds”, right?  The fact is that it’s just “NOT”, so why fucking torture myself with something that isn’t….WELL the point stands that I want to change it.  BUT BUT BUT. I’m exhausted.  I am going to let it be.  I am sick and tired.

This stunning day makes me want to fly down a trail through the trees, breathing in the fresh grass smell and soaking up the sun.  The fact is that my body is asking me to do something, rest?  Whatever, for one reason or another my body isn’t ready to run.  Injury? I honestly believe that everything is connected, and my mind isn’t in a good place right now.  I need to heal from a holistic and whole body approach, and then I will be able to fulfill my potential and love.  I need to be at a place where I love myself.  Yesterday my brother asked me if I wanted to love myself unconditionally.  I replied “No”, but this was out of a dark place I was in and it was a protective albeit immature answer.  I do.  This is hard to say.  Can’t really understand why.  I am punishing myself for not running, which is fuelling the cycle of injury and preventing my healing.  Love heals everything, and I’m standing in my own way.  I’m a big believer in Eastern medicine and the power of self-healing, and I need to use my knowledge that I share and condone so much, and use it on myself.  It’s so much easier to tell people to do things than it is to take your own advice, isn’t it?

If you really want something in life, you will get it.  But you have to want it badly enough.

Not only do I desperately want to run, but I also am aware that I need to heal in order to do so.  I know I’m out of wack and something has to go back into place before I can realize that love.  I need to heal.  The hard part is starting, where the fuck to start?  I think it’s important that I start with positive thinking.  I think the end goal is to stop hating myself for what I am not, but instead loving myself for what I am.  Bro also said “you’ve gotta focus on the positive”, obvious lesson we learned in like, kindergarden, but maybe the words are rhetorical, but is the lesson?  Not in my world.  I roll my eyes when I think of that, but when I actually THINK of it, contemplate it, I realize that I don’t follow through with it.  Feed the soul with love and love will grow.

It’s a beautiful day outside, I’m going to appreciate what I can do today, and look forward to what I will be able to do in a tomorrow.

Here’s a corny ass song that’s been stuck in my head since last night (rrrrrrrrrrrrr).  Also, I’d like to send out my appreciation for my dear friend Cheryl, she is hitting things I’m struggling with dead on, and she’s my ground right now.  Honestly if you read this dear, you have no idea how much you are helping me.  This post is for you, thank you.  Smile, gyal.