Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”

 

Camping Solo 

Rest day today, camping tomorrow. 

I ground my coffee #thanksReunionIsland 

I cooked my cabbage, and made a slaw #thanksBerryFreshFarms (started working there today!)



I prepped some things and froze others:


I learned fire building tips from a pro, thanks Cris!

I’m going to be ight, and am looking forward to being in nature, the constant noise here is getting to me. My body wants a break from training, but mind is racing. Bringing yoga mat, hiking shoes and kayak. Trying to match mind level w body needs, slow things down.

Music is made in the silence between the notes.

She Let Go

My first rest day in months. Usually I’d do yoga, I don’t even feel like yoga. Might not. I don’t feel like doing anything (fuck that Bruno Rawrz song, man). Woke up headachy and actually able to feel all the aches in my body. They’re always there, but today, I’m actually feeling them and they’re so “there”. I’m also hungry. So here’s a poem for today, bless you Shannon Mujagic

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

~ Rev. Safire Rose

Hunger: Remembering How to Feel

IMG_5575Hunger cues are so clouded with eating disorders.  I forgot the feeling of hunger.  I am tuning more into my feeling body, instead of my thinking body.

Where do I feel hunger? There’s always info from my gut.  That’s where I feel most things, and my head.  Like, not my mind, but my temples, or round my “occipital bone” (sorry for the Kinesiology jargon but that’s whatifeelok).

My gut is a loudass woman.

I’m starting to feel the importance of meditation.  It is a path of re-feeling.  It is where space is made to silence the thoughts that are telling me to starve.  They are the thoughts that exacerbate lack, insufficiency, insignificance, self-disgust (this hurts me to type, a good sign).

When I meditate, the thoughts go away, and I feel the hunger in my tummy, I feel the gas building, tightness in my chest, and also lightness.  I feel.  itsthenewiPhone

iFeel

thisquotethingisfunonblogs

This morning, I went to do the helliptical again.  I felt more energetic, albeit still tired.  Muscles are speaking the language of plea for rest, always, god, my mind won’t have it.  I lured in a dude beside me, myracingbuddybecausehewasbesideme, to do my 10x 1min sprint @ 1min easy.  After 10 rounds, I moved on to my tempo before cooling down, still easier than the killer sprints that I wanted support in doing from dudenextdoor.  As I began winding down, he turned to me after a few minutes and said, “wow, second set of 10 sprints is harder.”

Boom ego wasalllike    : and also fomo’ing and shoulding on myself and and and.  Image result for my mind is full of fuck

You now what, I turned that shit off and went back to my feeling body that def wasn’t down to do another set.  Already, my body felt taxed and had arrived (another concept I want to discuss)  in a more recovery-based mode.  Man, I’m already doing so much, body needs love.

So that’s that, feeling more than thinking, what else is new.

Well, not this song, I don’t FEEL, but it’s new for me:

 

Survival Mode

I wake up and first thing I do is say:

I love and accept myself

Then I proceed to do 40 pushups and my daily 15 minute abs sequence.
I eat breakfast.
I go to bed kinda hungry.  I am fear-full: a fucked up phobia of satiation.
I want to wake up hungry, at exactly 5AM.
And I’m good at it, alarmless.
Breakfast takes a long time, regardless of what I eat.
Because I’m famished. I’m in survival mode.

My body is in survival mode.
My soul wants connection, love, to work, give, change, go on dates. But it’s not possible.  I’m stuck confined in the walls I’ve imprisoned myself in.

I don’t even know how much I weigh, because I never step on a scale.  But my bones protrude, I have no bum, my arms are twigs, my nails are falling off.

I eat, until I know I can control some residual hunger.  Control, man.

I want to be in control of when I am hungry.

I am scared of being full.  Of going overboard, of deserving nourishment.

I do my workout, an escape, a numbing, it’s like a pill, solidifying the power of my dictatorship over my body.

I go about my day.  Stretch, lunch (just under-sated), snack (this is new! this is good!), dinner (under-full), ootnaboot (this is new and good!), snack (under-full).  Sleep.

And I am expecting myself to realize a job, career (run retreats and be the holistic wellness advocate of my own damn dreams), find a sexy man, go to a bar, movie, dinner, win some fucking trail races….when I have this crap behind me.  I’m exhausted, cortisol running perma-high in “flight” mode, always.  I have hypothalamic amenorrhea.  Muscles perma tired, always toeing the edge of athletic injury.

I’ve re-started my 10-min meditation practice (literally 10 mins of breath-focused awareness) and this shit’s life-saving.

I want to DO things but have no energy.  And I expect myself to do it all.

In order to jump off the rat-wheel, I have to fucking leap.

Shit, man.  The mind is a powerful ape.

IMG_0963

I tried to walk away with this big cheque…doesn’t work that way, apparently…