An Ode to Self-Love

Things I like about myself:
* my aptitude to make connections w people I meet

* My drive

* My knack for culinary experimentation 

* My immaturity 

* My maturity 

* My love & respect for nature 

* My damn good intuition 

* My pun skillz 

* My playfulness 

* My taste in music 

* My budding curiosity 

* How I sing

* My ignorance re: all things Trump

* My natural athletic strength 

* My extroversion 

* My introversion 

* My coffee and wine snobbery 

* My passion in helping others 

* My determination 

* My desire for self growth 

* My love of sharing 

* My inner wisdom, finding it

* My desire for learning: to listen, relax, love myself, heal, help, hack allthethings

* My Grind time and drive to beat it

You?

There’s no “aha” moment

Is there?

Don’t think so.

In recovery from Anorexia, I’m seeking guidance from other warriors who’ve battled, and I’m fascinated by seeing why we get this maladaptive coping mechanism, and how to heal from it. 

A reoccurring reply when I ask “how’d you do it?” lies in the concept of slowly, one step at a time, making tiny changes that compound to one day being like #lifesalrightandilovemyself (more- or am working on loving myself.)

I don’t believe in an “aha” moment.

I don’t think one single therapist is going to heal me.

I think it’s slow and it’s a moment to moment awakening to myself. 

Nature is helping a lot: it teaches so much:

Nature teaches us to slow down

Ask for what we need

Be present

Observe our surroundings 

Use our resources 

Use our intuition 

Use our energy mindfully 

Drop facades and strip away identity

Abide to our basic needs 

Quotes are greatnshit but they don’t hit hard like feelings do. I am fighting that damn voice that tells me to eat less, work more, suffer.

Naw brah I don’t need to suffer anymore, things can be easy.

What if I “try on” some buffer weight? This is maybe harmful to say- but I know how to stay skinny…so man if I don’t feel good I know I can change. The magic lies in the concept of self love that brings the healthy weight. The letting go (that got autocorrected to god…) of control and having more buffer to eat around people, share experiences, open my thought real-estate to other things than food preoccupation and exercise (like when I sat with my roomie and actually realized that I don’t mind hearing about her trip and the history of Portuguese culture!)

Suffer less 

Live more

One step at a time. 

One step closer to going out West.

One step closer to getting my period back.

One step closer to helping other people heal from this shit.

One step closer to beating my old Grind Time (cough cough 33:34…onlypostingformyownreminder notcockyatall willthisgetmemoretinderdates)

One love

Some gems of human beings

My future ideal retreat centre in wild outofcellphonerangezone

Feelings

My laptop is too slow for my patience for posts, so I’m posting via phone:

I’m sick of toronto and want to leave to the West coast. I understand that this escapism is the same feeling of discomfort internally that led me to NZ, India and BC the first time. I understand that “wherever you go you take yourself with you.”

I know I have to ground before I go. But I’m le tired.

I’m going to a horse therapy ranch in Erin, ON, and it’s pretty sweet. I’m working on remembering how to feel fucking good. Feeling goood is something I’ve been so disconnected from. I honestly don’t remember the last time I had fun, or the last time my gut felt healthy and I didn’t get so bloated. The last time I lived freely. It’s been a while, and I’m working on “trying on” ease. If I come at it like that, vs “all-or-none” then it’s easier to do. I can use consciousness to tell myself that I don’t need to suffer.

What if things were easy?

What if, hey?

Honestly, the universe is shutting its doors to me in TO; jobs I’ve applied for that normally would seem “perfect” for me- I’ve not gotten. I need more nature than TO offers, I’ve never felt right here.

So fuck FUCK FUCK (penisgame- remember Kenny? Pins?)

Ya fuck I am tired. I want to feel. I want to feel good. Holistically fucking good. Thank you all who’ve reached out to me to express support- it means the world to me- it’s honestly currently my life’s livelihood. It gives me hope. It supports me in this isolating illness. The journey illuminates a bit. 

It’s like a Mitch Hedberg joke in the middle of a painfully long lecture

It’s like a really solid shit

It’s like seeing a familiar face after backpacking solo for some time

Jah bless you all

Meme material that I don’t have the media skills to create: we are the champignons, my friends…(Mercury is holding the shrooms…can someone actuality this for me?)

My hero dad, picking mushrooms in the forest, standing on “moss that is like you’re standing in heaven”

 

No Worries

Today, I swam for the first time in bout 8 months. It was in a warm water pool dubbed “therapeutic” and shit man at 89 degrees it was balmy AS. First time I think I can say it was a pool that was TOO hot. But it felt so good to move in the water.  My ass hurts my legs hurt I am so anxious in my mind that I’m craving the physical release from exercise and it’s hard. I swam easy, I still need to move.

It brought me back to Vancouver and I miss it so much.

I went to a horse therapy farm on Tuesday round Caledon and it was also really cool. Animals have such an intuition for healing.  The horses read my energy incredibly; one horse was even reiki-gifted and honestly, wonky yogi tingz aside- when I put my hands on his strong coat, I feltthatshithard thatswhatshesaid.

There’s such merit in things we can’t put into words but can feel. Like the water silencing the world and moving weightlessly through it. 

Like stepping meditatively one foot at a time up a mountain.  Nature giving mind a rest from pitter patter of constant thoughts. 

Like connecting with people and laughing about farts, Mitch Hedberg jokes, and cats that have been shaved like a lion post-vet named Rhombus from math-loving owners.  

Like the hashtag #my4wordobituary



Like the feeling after a run, a trail run where you hop over tree trunks and boulders. Like really “getting” what someone is telling you about their experiences, just like, totally vining with their expression. 

Like making a beautiful meal out of backyard veggies, or foraged goods from the forest.  Like feeling the powerful magestic brilliance of a horse under my small palm, stroking its shiny coat. So powerful but gentle.  

My heart is aching for nature and I feel so pulled to Vancouver Island. I know that wherever I go, I take myself with me. I know I’m not healed yet. But I also know that Toronto noise and culture is not for me and I’m sick from it.

Universe, show me a sigh plzandthankyou.

2014 wishiwasoutwest

This is “plantain tea” the plant grows everywhere and it’s good for tummy issues. Mami likes👌🏻

Picture update

Hike at Kartuzy Lodge I did daily while at my cottage, 20 min-back, perfect for moving on my non-training bout of last week Tuesday-Friday

Unshelling fresh hazelnuts I picked off a tree

Pit(a) stop “chicken” salad from Pita pit…n**** gotta eat (not organic, def GMO…I let go)

Foraging

My backyard in The Hood #Scarborough

That flower’s edible…right?

How I do burgers

Not a duplicate, two different days, habit creature, hey

Camping Solo 

Rest day today, camping tomorrow. 

I ground my coffee #thanksReunionIsland 

I cooked my cabbage, and made a slaw #thanksBerryFreshFarms (started working there today!)



I prepped some things and froze others:


I learned fire building tips from a pro, thanks Cris!

I’m going to be ight, and am looking forward to being in nature, the constant noise here is getting to me. My body wants a break from training, but mind is racing. Bringing yoga mat, hiking shoes and kayak. Trying to match mind level w body needs, slow things down.

Music is made in the silence between the notes.

Anxious

Up since 3am.

Hungry and anxious because I’m booked for camping Monday – Fri, meaning no training, out-of-comfort zone meals, letting go…reading, I’m so excited to rest but scared as well. I’m forcing it on myself. I know my body is in danger if I don’t listen to it, and I mean like- heart/stress fracture kind of scary.

I’ve got to pack and prepare and really don’t love this part. #Allthebeefjerky 

Might document #paleocamping … but also #fuckdiets so might not….will see.

Here’s my list for now- not bringing it all:

Corn on cob= challenge- even non-gmo but want to fire-pit n’ butter tha shi na mean? Also: anyone made “Spider hot-dogs”?

Anyone in Algonquin next week?

Here’s my big ass salad bc I’m hungry, lunch?  “OKAY, bodyyyy!” You want food? Okay!

What’s in here? What’s NOT in here! We got avo nooch hummus sesame seeds peanuts hummus and veg from garden (cukes came in!)


Also dl good music for the road, like this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5HZYhcyHNo8