She Let Go

My first rest day in months. Usually I’d do yoga, I don’t even feel like yoga. Might not. I don’t feel like doing anything (fuck that Bruno Rawrz song, man). Woke up headachy and actually able to feel all the aches in my body. They’re always there, but today, I’m actually feeling them and they’re so “there”. I’m also hungry. So here’s a poem for today, bless you Shannon Mujagic

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

~ Rev. Safire Rose

The “NOW” Diet

Sat nam…mtherlvrs…

Why my restricted diet didn’t work:

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I grew up in a controlling home; Mum and Dad were eastern Europeans and followed the mantra of “finish what’s on your plate before you can leave the table”. Food was served to me, and I rebelled growing up by ordering chicken fingers and fries on special request at every dinner out (even when not on the menu). “Picky eater” was what I was dubbed. But in retrospect, I can see that my little self was trying to solidify herself in self-assurance and in my rebelling, I was attempting to gain control over my own life. I became so keen to rebel that it then became my identity because I was so sick and unhappy of being told what or when to eat. Essentially, my identity became “Fuck you, I’ll do the opposite of what you want me to do.” The trouble lay in my identity becoming a mask of coping through rebellion, instead of true intuitive listening to my own needs. What the hell did I like to eat?

Long ass food journey of Bulimia, Anorexia, seasoned with Anxiety and Depression. Honestly, now, as I heal, I can say that self-awareness and being present is the key to finding myself. There is no fear and no need to escape myself when I’m present. If I dissociate, numb myself, mindlessly eat shit that bloats me, if I don’t tune into my true hungers, be them mind-based or physiological or BOTH, then I lose myself. The cycle continues in this catalyzing way, the vicious turmoil of pain and more pain, craving more and more escape. More water, more salt, more foods that engage my psychological needs to FEEL (think shitloads of Tabasco, heat, FEELINGS, SENSATIONS, etcetc).

After high school and university, binge-purge escapism persisted. I was a sensationalist. I rebelled so hard and didn’t eat the “real food” served at home, buying into my now-ingrained habit of rebellion by way of non-food items (egg white fluff pancakes, fat-free coffee whitener, sugar free jam…copious amounts of splenda…) paved way to finding a healthier way in more routine, and Timothy Ferriss’s “slow-carb” diet. This was a new awakening for me. A peek at physiological nourishment. So I followed, strictly. Slowly, binges stopped. I ate on time, without hours of punitive fasting, and real food like eggs and hummus. But my deep sense of self was still not looked at. I was covering up the wound, not looking at the pain, again, escaping. I’ll bless my own soul for surviving though, because each step along this journey has molded my NOW. Thanks sexci Ferriss for the SC diet because it gave me nourishment, body nourishment and not soul, albeit, but still good food. But, HARK- (?)

This new diet, “Paleo” became what I believed to be my saviour. But then my life gradually took on an insane routine-oriented blinding, rubbish-path. Obsessed with timing of food, and so keen to listen to body hunger cues while still bloating and dishonouring my intuition, I closed off my own life.

Today, right now, I am changing. More aware of myself than ever before, I don’t want to hide from my feelings anymore. When I release this stronghold of routine, I am forced to FEEL. When I feel all of my needs, all my body’s speech, I am so goddamn grounded. Fuck, I just now had the first real food breakfast I’ve had in years, instead of my usual super-diluted protein-powdered blended “smoothie bowl” (sometimes smoothies good, sometimes chew, aye?!). What I am realizing is that the reasons my “diet” and most “diets” don’t work, is because WE are always changing. We have to constantly tune into our needs, no singular rules will work. For example, kefir, good shit, right? Honestly though, not alllll the time! Sometimes my body doesn’t want kefir, and sometimes it does. That’s WORK. That’s discomfort in awareness. Listening, because we are DYNAMIC beings, this human shit we partake in. Always changing, no constant, no definitive rules. Sometimes poo 2x a day, sometimes 4 (sorry for those less than 2….bless your souls….might I suggest flax? sometimes…).

That’s that. I’m on my way. We all are, aren’t we?

And now, some funny indian comedy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o_GAZMnmuM&t=70s

Have a sweet ass Monday!

To be Present, is not so scary

 

To be present is so not scary.

Slowly, I isolated myself from life, from fear of my bulimia and binge purge ways. Mindless. Habit and routine waked me from the hollow centre of a pit, stringently noosing my neck as I dug my nails deep in resistance. Slowly, the control of timely eating, routined meals and portions and also that of refueling without going for ages without nourishment falsely gave me a sense of control. In a way, it was a survival tactic to pull me out of Bulimia. It worked.

Now, though, I am more aware, and there is no fear of binge-purge ways. I am a Nutritionist, a coach, and a lover of helping others find self-love. But I need to live that shit first. Slowly, with presence, fucking presence, I will watch my ways and choose other ones. I will observe my body cues prior to the mind tempting me to restrict and follow the patterns that are so ingrained in me. I have innate natural intuition, as do we all, and it is always available with presence. Where do I feel the sensation in my body when I make choices? So often, I have zero awareness of the body language my muscles skin and bones are hinting at me. It is always there, again and again I slowly feel that shit. Instead of monotonizing my life, sabotaging my body and disregarding its voice, I am listening. Bloated? Needing love? What nourishment do I need?

Lately, I am finding that I need cooked foods. Rajasic state, anxiety and hyper-arousal which catapults me out of the present moment and way out of my window of tolerance are what result with vinegary salads that some part of me craves. Perhaps it’s the part of me that is desperate to FEEL. I am awakening to just how suppressed my true feelings are. I am afraid. I am afraid to trust myself. It’s been so long since I’ve honoured my true body signals and my true needs. Nourishment is holistic; it encompasses Life.

Connection, with others and the self, is a need not filled falsely or fleetingly by food. God, listening deep gives such insight onto this! Mel, my dear woman, no phone at the table! (soon this will be easier, first comes at dinner, then no longer will I even WANT the phone at the table).

Every addiction has a cause and a source. Removing the addiction does nothing unless the source is healed. So fuck, no phone at table? What does the phone at the table serve for me? I am well aware of the detriments of lack of awareness. I feel that the phone fills a void of control and lack of connection and engagement in life, so I concentrate my “high” at meals with distraction, hyper and hypo arousal via glued to instagram or reading blogs. Hmmm, as I learn what I need, I will see that I seek those meaningful connections outside of mealtimes. I feel so much better after a meal that is mindfully consumed and peacefully sated when I listen to my intuitive eating knowledge. My body responds with sound digestion, calm gut, and no need to escape myself or run away. And in this way, I heal from The Shit.

And now, begins yoga.

When you can’t stop thinking, Sing.

indian princesses

At The Yoga Institute where I got certified as a Yoga Instructor, the Director, Hansaji Jayadeva Yogendra shared with us a few healthy habits to incorporate into our lives.

Simple Good Life Tips from a Yoga Perspective: (basically, from a “self-love” perspective)

  • walk for 10 mins before and after eating, faster before, slower after
  • breathe deep for 60 seconds before eating a meal
  • practice Jalneti, or clearing of the nasal passage daily 
  • practice asanas, or yoga postures daily
  • think less

Sooooo, the bolded point.  This is tricky.

During a walk with Hansaji one morning, I was humming and hawing about my life troubles, like: my ass that had been injured, a sense of “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life”, being broke, and wanting to travel.

She let me ramble, and then said, “Canadian girl, you think too much.  Less thought will mean more peace, and then you will see how your life will just happen as it is meant to.”

To this, I replied, “I know, way too much, and am struggling with how to stop so that I can just live.”

She then said this brilliant thing, “When you find that you cannot stop thinking, sing.”

I love this, have loved it since, and have followed it.  It is wonderful, I suggest to try it!  By singing, the mind is unable to multitask, and it focuses instead on the beauty of the melody that you are singing along to.  It’s like laughter, an instant vacation, so calming and blissful.

Here’s a sweet lil mantra that I fell in love with.  It’s a pop version of a powerful mantra, that is one of the oldest and most powerful of Sanskrit mantras . It is believed that by chanting the Gayatri mantra and firmly establishing it in the mind, if you carry on your life and do the work that is ordained for you, your life will be full of happiness.  You can often find me singing it on the Scarborough streets, among other songs 🙂