“FINE, body!”

A great athletic therapist I’ve seen once suggested that when my body speaks and asks for nourishment, and my mind rebels- when there is that tug-of-war between my heart and head- she suggested observing my body and reacting with compassion. 

She suggested that I respond by taking a second (like when I hear hunger strike at a “non-delegated meal time”) and responding with semi-exasperated albeit compassionate communication: “fineeee, body, OK, body.” (Minor eye roll)

That helped me put it into perspective, minimizing the struggle of “letting go”. As if it’s some kind of competition and instead of letting my mind “lose”, I just let the body be and surrender.

This helped me when I woke up at 3am famished and didn’t feel like a snack to tide me over- bitchwantedbreakfast…so:

After my abs n shit


I ate: very unphotogenic smoothie so I deleted it.

And then after I did my ride, I lay down for a bit. But was hungry for “lunch”(?????) at like 9!?

Egg avo hummus sesame seeds nooch. Also: my plates usually look like this with an array of condiments around them- I make it simple for most pics but like, secondsaregood.


I guess this is like the “pre-elevensies”…

So that little sentence helps.

I have a job interview today at a fruit market, that’ll be sweet because I am so needing work. 

And probs camping next week in boonies for peace.

Challo ūüĎ©ūüŹľ‚ÄćūüĆĺ

Food Challenge: Poké

I’m hooked…#delifish

Sorauren Market is great, today, I am pokémon:

Made a meal out of it #andcamebackformore

Mixed fish with spiced mayo, sesame, nori, veg yum


Great convo w Hooked staff, Jon/Pat(? Probablyneither imshitwnames) about body image/health. So prevalent, I honestly don’t know a single person who hasn’t been touched with body image/food related confusion in life.

Poké.

Also I unplugged for most of the day and it felt great!

Rest

This Shit’s tough.

Breakfast was standard. Here is a pic bc it’s lovely. 

Fruit omelette


Worked on my website for a business I am starting in the field of holistic health and wellbeing: orendawellness.com (going “live” real soon). I ultimately want to have retreats where there’s a rad team of people working together to promote this world of stuff: unplugging, acupuncture, holistic nutrition, yoga, body awareness, mindfulness, meditation, ayurveda, traditional Chinese medicine, Shinrin Yoku (“forest bathing”), healing from eating disorders and reconnecting people with their intuition. 

First, I’m reconnecting myself with mine.

My website will also sell tshirts with my puns on them.

Sunday Rest Day

I’m quoting myself:

Listen to the whispers or you’ll be forced to abide by the screams.

On my wall


Post it lists of challenges for myself. 

I haven’t taken a rest day in way too long, and decided I’m taking Sundays off as I used to do. It was a non-negotiable.

Posting here for accountability. Will probs go to yoga still. 

Namaste 

Letting Go

Usually, I don’t do this shit: ingredients really are “non-food” items…

“Crab” salad: you know that “flavoured pollock” ūüí©

So much poop in here, solittlecare

But you know what? #yolo and #lettinggo feels better.


Everything in moderation, even moderation is good. If this is my “treat”, then so be it. I really do enjoy this salad, and I really don’t have very much at all bc my body doesn’t like too much (probs knows it has yick stuff in der).

I like a little bit, life’s spicy when you follow your intuition.

#TEAMGETMELSPERIODBACK

Don’t Think, Just Do

Video

I’m posting this vid pretty vulnerably…man, I know I’m thin, but it’s hard to¬†feel¬†skinny. ¬†I can¬†feel unwell, but to¬†feel¬†skinny? ¬†That’s different. ¬†Seeing this video, I can¬†see myself, and damn, I’m too skinny ūüė¶ ¬†I don’t like it!

Yesterday, I had a wicked conversation with my neighbour about how she overcame similar struggles with Anorexia.  She pinned it down to:

  • Awareness
  • Belonging (working outdoors at a forestry camp one summer)
  • Coping skills for anxiety (decreasing anxious thought patterns)

She expressed the liberation she found when she realized how fleeting our times on this earth is, as she observed life and death around her, and she was sick of being so bony and drained, all the time. ¬†She needed energy for the job outside, and she didn’t feel good at her weight. ¬†The endless cycle of restriction, compulsive exercising, and chronically high cortisol led her to say “I’ve had enough!”¬†and so, she let go.

It’s a blessing whenever I can gain insight from the journey of people, making me feel not alone in this. ¬†It’s so easy to feel alone. ¬†But I’m totally not, and everyone is a warrior, in some way or another.

Trucking on, see you when I have a bum.

 

In reply to Jill from “A Case Of The Jills” https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLJC… re: getting your period back after H.A., by exercising less and eating more. This vid is about the monkey mind of someone with an eating disorder and how to silence the voices that started the problem in the beginning. (Healing the “SOURCE” is a totally different ball game).

Presence

I have an accountability deal with my neighbour: we text each other when we are doing our daily 10 min meditation (where we sit and focus on breath…that’s it). ¬†It’s great, I recommend it highly.

Today, I had no energy to do my workout. ¬†I was so close to taking a walk through High Park instead. ¬†And it was scary AS, but I also viewed that I didn’t need to escape. ¬†I didn’t wake up famished. ¬†I wasn’t in survival mode. ¬†It was a heavenly peaceful insight; giving myself the space to be aware. ¬†Man, I deserve rest. ¬†I want to run and race and have fun, cry, date, play, swim…..And it’s balance, nah? ¬†I am in a state though where rest is scary, it’s foreign. ¬†willmeditateonthisdon’tlikethinkingaboutit

I went to the gym and did my helliptical workout. ¬†It was OK, I had such mindgames throughout the “ride”: basically deciding over and over again each minute that “that’s it”, I’ve had enough and will stop….I finished it, but definitely not as hard as able. ¬†Probably as hard as I could, granted my body’s state.

I’m glad I went because I connected with the humanity of the gym goers afterwards when I overheard Jamie, an experienced older runner, mention how some days are just “get it done days”, and I felt like that big time today. ¬†(rest would’ve been more body-beneficial though)…so we all exchanged expressions about rest, injury, healing etc. ¬†That connection was worth it. ¬†I am sick of living in isolation.

I have also had real unsettled gut. ¬†I get so frustrated. ¬†I know I eat too many veg and the fiber overload isn’t what my body’s asking for. ¬†I am confused about the intuitive voice of my body. ¬†I realized that I’m scared of bingeing deep down, although my soul knows that I’m not in that danger zone of such self-hatred any longer. ¬†I’ve upped the level of self love, but still am scared to let go and fully trust.

It’s easier to control my body through suppression and using “safe foods” as fillers. ¬†But then I get bloated, uncomfortable, and confused about hunger cues bc I hold in my tum and man it’s hard when you’re full of bulk to distinguish hunger, let alone¬†what¬†would best suit your body to eat.

Check this out though: my google search of “how to hear hunger cravings and choose what to eat”

How fucked is that?  The emphasis is so much on suppression.

“How to Outsmart A Craving”

Jesus, it’s scary aye? ¬†We’re primed to believe that our intuition is wrong. ¬†I understand the challenge, the confounding cycle of our body’s trying to survive the stress we undergo in the Western world of crunched lunches, scarfed snacks of sugar, alcohol, cigs, stimulants, NSAID’s, pain coping, escapism. ¬†We don’t stop to¬†breathe, meditate, feel,¬†damnit. ¬†So we crave sugars because our body’s are hurting for an insulin spike due to high cortisol, and the reliance on easy fast foods for survival.

Are we living in survival mode?

 

When do we stop to tune into ourselves?

How is¬†your¬†gut? ¬†Mine’s giving me info, hard to tell what it means. ¬†Maybe to rest, breathe, work on myself. ¬†The space is scary. ¬†What to fill it with. ¬†I’m blogging, sharing my story, and deciding each moment to choose to save myself.

So here’s an ode to awareness and to making space for feelings. ¬†To trusting intuition. ¬†To look at hunger cravings and ask what the body is looking for, before acting on it. ¬†Craving sugar means some things, lots. ¬†But only each individual person can find that answer out for themselves. ¬†I am so confused by cravings since I’ve shut them off, and listening is scary. ¬†I pretty much have zero sugar cravings, when in uni, under so much social pressure, stress, bullying, I gorged on Splenda and Twin Sugar, never eating real food: meals could be a tub of sugar free yog, with 8 packets of fake sugar crap, and sugar free jam. ¬†Followed by coffee whitener, and then saying “fuck it” and raiding my roommates pantiries for “forbidden” foods like cinnamon toast crunch and skippy PB. ¬†Stuffing myself with cookies.

Then puking it all up.

That’ sucked hard. ¬†It’s been 7 years since my experience of Bulimia, and my god, I am blessed to be through that part of my healing journey.

And now, so scared to face that, I truck on. ¬†I know I need to heal deep. ¬†The source of the pain is the same, the coping, differs. ¬†But the healing is in truly honouring my body and it’s voice. ¬†There is no fear in presence. ¬†I totally was disconnected with that voice throughout High School and uni. ¬†I’m finding it again. ¬†And learning to embrace myself, man, ya;

I am beautiful.

Thanks Christina, now that song’s stuck in my head.

Fucking consciousness, eh?

OM.

Looking forward to meditating today.

Bless