Rest

This Shit’s tough.

Breakfast was standard. Here is a pic bc it’s lovely. 

Fruit omelette


Worked on my website for a business I am starting in the field of holistic health and wellbeing: orendawellness.com (going “live” real soon). I ultimately want to have retreats where there’s a rad team of people working together to promote this world of stuff: unplugging, acupuncture, holistic nutrition, yoga, body awareness, mindfulness, meditation, ayurveda, traditional Chinese medicine, Shinrin Yoku (“forest bathing”), healing from eating disorders and reconnecting people with their intuition. 

First, I’m reconnecting myself with mine.

My website will also sell tshirts with my puns on them.

Don’t Think, Just Do

Video

I’m posting this vid pretty vulnerably…man, I know I’m thin, but it’s hard to feel skinny.  I can feel unwell, but to feel skinny?  That’s different.  Seeing this video, I can see myself, and damn, I’m too skinny 😦  I don’t like it!

Yesterday, I had a wicked conversation with my neighbour about how she overcame similar struggles with Anorexia.  She pinned it down to:

  • Awareness
  • Belonging (working outdoors at a forestry camp one summer)
  • Coping skills for anxiety (decreasing anxious thought patterns)

She expressed the liberation she found when she realized how fleeting our times on this earth is, as she observed life and death around her, and she was sick of being so bony and drained, all the time.  She needed energy for the job outside, and she didn’t feel good at her weight.  The endless cycle of restriction, compulsive exercising, and chronically high cortisol led her to say “I’ve had enough!” and so, she let go.

It’s a blessing whenever I can gain insight from the journey of people, making me feel not alone in this.  It’s so easy to feel alone.  But I’m totally not, and everyone is a warrior, in some way or another.

Trucking on, see you when I have a bum.

 

In reply to Jill from “A Case Of The Jills” https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLJC… re: getting your period back after H.A., by exercising less and eating more. This vid is about the monkey mind of someone with an eating disorder and how to silence the voices that started the problem in the beginning. (Healing the “SOURCE” is a totally different ball game).

Presence

I have an accountability deal with my neighbour: we text each other when we are doing our daily 10 min meditation (where we sit and focus on breath…that’s it).  It’s great, I recommend it highly.

Today, I had no energy to do my workout.  I was so close to taking a walk through High Park instead.  And it was scary AS, but I also viewed that I didn’t need to escape.  I didn’t wake up famished.  I wasn’t in survival mode.  It was a heavenly peaceful insight; giving myself the space to be aware.  Man, I deserve rest.  I want to run and race and have fun, cry, date, play, swim…..And it’s balance, nah?  I am in a state though where rest is scary, it’s foreign.  willmeditateonthisdon’tlikethinkingaboutit

I went to the gym and did my helliptical workout.  It was OK, I had such mindgames throughout the “ride”: basically deciding over and over again each minute that “that’s it”, I’ve had enough and will stop….I finished it, but definitely not as hard as able.  Probably as hard as I could, granted my body’s state.

I’m glad I went because I connected with the humanity of the gym goers afterwards when I overheard Jamie, an experienced older runner, mention how some days are just “get it done days”, and I felt like that big time today.  (rest would’ve been more body-beneficial though)…so we all exchanged expressions about rest, injury, healing etc.  That connection was worth it.  I am sick of living in isolation.

I have also had real unsettled gut.  I get so frustrated.  I know I eat too many veg and the fiber overload isn’t what my body’s asking for.  I am confused about the intuitive voice of my body.  I realized that I’m scared of bingeing deep down, although my soul knows that I’m not in that danger zone of such self-hatred any longer.  I’ve upped the level of self love, but still am scared to let go and fully trust.

It’s easier to control my body through suppression and using “safe foods” as fillers.  But then I get bloated, uncomfortable, and confused about hunger cues bc I hold in my tum and man it’s hard when you’re full of bulk to distinguish hunger, let alone what would best suit your body to eat.

Check this out though: my google search of “how to hear hunger cravings and choose what to eat”

How fucked is that?  The emphasis is so much on suppression.

“How to Outsmart A Craving”

Jesus, it’s scary aye?  We’re primed to believe that our intuition is wrong.  I understand the challenge, the confounding cycle of our body’s trying to survive the stress we undergo in the Western world of crunched lunches, scarfed snacks of sugar, alcohol, cigs, stimulants, NSAID’s, pain coping, escapism.  We don’t stop to breathe, meditate, feel, damnit.  So we crave sugars because our body’s are hurting for an insulin spike due to high cortisol, and the reliance on easy fast foods for survival.

Are we living in survival mode?

 

When do we stop to tune into ourselves?

How is your gut?  Mine’s giving me info, hard to tell what it means.  Maybe to rest, breathe, work on myself.  The space is scary.  What to fill it with.  I’m blogging, sharing my story, and deciding each moment to choose to save myself.

So here’s an ode to awareness and to making space for feelings.  To trusting intuition.  To look at hunger cravings and ask what the body is looking for, before acting on it.  Craving sugar means some things, lots.  But only each individual person can find that answer out for themselves.  I am so confused by cravings since I’ve shut them off, and listening is scary.  I pretty much have zero sugar cravings, when in uni, under so much social pressure, stress, bullying, I gorged on Splenda and Twin Sugar, never eating real food: meals could be a tub of sugar free yog, with 8 packets of fake sugar crap, and sugar free jam.  Followed by coffee whitener, and then saying “fuck it” and raiding my roommates pantiries for “forbidden” foods like cinnamon toast crunch and skippy PB.  Stuffing myself with cookies.

Then puking it all up.

That’ sucked hard.  It’s been 7 years since my experience of Bulimia, and my god, I am blessed to be through that part of my healing journey.

And now, so scared to face that, I truck on.  I know I need to heal deep.  The source of the pain is the same, the coping, differs.  But the healing is in truly honouring my body and it’s voice.  There is no fear in presence.  I totally was disconnected with that voice throughout High School and uni.  I’m finding it again.  And learning to embrace myself, man, ya;

I am beautiful.

Thanks Christina, now that song’s stuck in my head.

Fucking consciousness, eh?

OM.

Looking forward to meditating today.

Bless

How “Self-Love” Heals Anorexia

IMG_3162In reading excerpts from “The Evolutionary Bases of Consumption” By Gad Saad research points to the self-explanatory reasoning for the basic cessation of period via self-starvation because of a conscious or subconscious belief that the woman doesn’t want to procreate.

Reading this, and knowing this (because of my own self-analysis of my eating disorder, I had an “aha moment” regarding this whole “self love” concept.  Self-love self-love, all over the mindfulness blog posts etc.  But personally, it’s a vague concept to me.  I realized something though: growing up, all the comments, all the words, all the mirrors, and combined with being a sensitive woman, I somehow cultivated enough self-hate to determine that I wasn’t worthy of procreation.  Therefore; self-starvation was my means of continuing a half-life, while self-punititive for my imperfections

Maybe self-love is the idea that I am beautiful as I am, and that in itself is enough for me to be “worthy” of creating life!  I’ve always shunned the masochistic view of femininity, never one to quote Women Who Run with the Wolves and feel right about using the term “divine feminine” or “goddess”…So in my own words, the idea of being beautiful is innate, it’s a feeling more than a thought.  And I’m realizing that if I believe it truly, regardless of the mirror, then all of my actions stem from that space of being nice to myself and treating myself with the most care that I have the current knowledge of to simple feel good.

I’ve realized that my subconscious harnessed this self-hatred while my conscious mind was in denial.  I wasn’t acknowledging my past history with men, boys, rude asshole comments while I would be running outside, going to Western , living with 7 girls who were all trying to find themselves in a sea of image-conscious youngins wearing uggs and raybans….being a perfectionist, and being bullied.

I pretended that it didn’t matter that the girl at the bar last night was wearing the same dress as me, and her “crew” was picking at comparing our bodies,  that a man yelled that “if you ran more, your thighs’ll look better”, or that I was “ok-looking”.  That shit hurts, though!

Somewhere along the way, I was in so much hidden pain, feeling alone, and without an outlet of expressing it, that I cultivated the belief that I needed to stop myself from being healthy enough to further the human kind because of unworthiness.  WOW.

So now, with instagram, facebook, snapchat, and all the other forms of social media, I’m pretty sure that it is of utmost importance that this issue be brought to light for girls, AND guys, from a young age. There’s gotta be mindfulness and awareness brought to the detriments of negative self-talk and societal perfectionism.

So that sums up the idea of “self-love”: having a strong enough self-image that the outer voices don’t have the power to shake us.  To be able to block of the outer noise, knowing deeply and having that sense of security in ourselves and the innate beauty that we all have.  “Divinity” or whatever you want to call it, everyone deserves to feel that.

I’m going to go meditate on this.  Maybe this is my calling right now.

I’m a High Performance Nutrition Coach, here’s why I won’t prescribe meal plans:

My relationship with food has been one hell of a rollercoaster. I’ve tried heaps of diets; from being a 5-year vegetarian, to the slow-carb, low carb, Paleo, Keto, GAPS, and more than I probably can know the names for. Result: none work. Lots of those were purposed towards weight loss since high school when my relationship with my body grew in a mean self-deprecating kind of way. As I controlled more, my body rebelled more, and the self-hate built more resilient. Only through untethering from these diets and rules, am I understanding that when I stem from inner harmony with my organic needs, and a place of compassionate self-inquiry, does the self-love blanket me in glowing health and goodfeelz.

IMG_1208What I’ve realized is that the key to finding the perfectly tailored meal plan for me is to tune out the noise and look inwards. That’s why I won’t be prescribing meal plans to future clients. I’m in the process of silencing the noise of my tunnel vision, guiding myself towards and away from different foods; dubbed “forbidden”, or condoned.

My goal is to help be a catalyst for discovering one’s own intuition. As I learn how to discover my own, I want to research the ways in which space opens up for attentive observation. I want to feel more than think, and trust myself. One day, I want to help others to do this.

I guess that’s all I want to say:

Listen to yourself, screw the noise.

Meditate and take like, 30 seconds to feel out where you feel hunger, and what it means, when it hits. Plan ahead a little, once you’re able to decipher the sweet whispers, and as they grow(l) louder. But be a receptive student, open to the fact that there are no rules, what might sit well one time, might not another. No absolutes, no definites, no “for sure”, because we are dynamic beings, always shifting, adapting and changing. Therefore, our needs for sure follow suit, shifting, changing.

The gut is an obnoxiously loud tool. Use it.

It’s like an MD with a speakerphone, often pretty damn hard to silence. When gut’s out of whack, bitch please you KNOW, right?

So, instead of getting angry, frustrated, and straight up pissed off, why not listen to what it’s asking? Use it as a tool. Do you need to do child’s pose or wind relieving? Legs up the wall? Do you need a tea or some prune juice 😉 Protein, or calming oatmeal? Chamomile, or Cabernet? It’s a balance man, turmeric’s great, so is kefir, and kraut, but not all of the time.

Listen.

Be aware.

Feel.

 

That’s where I’m at.

Feeling

The past two weeks are nuts, I don’t know the catalyst, maybe meeting Jill (hypothalamic amenorrhea warrior and spokesperson), or deleting my facebook and instagram accounts after reccos from my naturopath, or just being so fucking sick and tired of being tired and sick, and the warm weather having me craving LIFE (patio caesars, group trail runs, camp fire hangs, going out dancing round town like #awomanofthenight and doing the damn hair whip or something, the sexymenoutofhidingsportingmanbuns n tingz….but I am aware of my feelings more than ever.

I am so sick of analyzing my past and seeing why the hell I starve myself or control my life so damn much, but I want to live by my intuition, not self-inflicted routines implemented by my mind.  I know what I want:

Use my mind as a tool to listen to my bodytalk.

I haven’t been so vocal about this experience of change because it’s overwhelming me in emotions and feelings vs thoughts and words.  It’s the experience of living through my body instead of my mind.  I am frustrated though because in this process I have such overwhelm of #mymindisfulloffuck like, just #ALLTHEFEELS #nahmean?  People will only understand if they have gone through this stuff.  It’s so blinding where I came from and so enlightening and fear-free where I’m going.

I had a rad experience yesterday at the Telus store at Dufferin Mall.  I met Shad (ifyoudon’tknow…yourewelcome).  It was great, he’s a solid dude, great flow, and a local from London, ON.  We had a great conversation about life concepts, starting with the addiction to being online.  I bluntly told him about my struggles with Disordered Eating, and he was so honest in expressing how the stigma against body image talk was so prevalent among males that it isolates, and shuts off any feelings men might have.  The alientation and disregard of body image among men is huge.  I can’t imagine, because even as a female, I feel as though the talk about body image is big online, but unless you’re a member of a specific group, day-to-day talk is slim (nopunintended…thistime…).  And it’s fucked because it starts from a small seed of self-harming beliefs at a young age, and catapults.  I want to help girls to recognize early on this habit, and help initiate body-mind-celebration to infiltrate a healthy seat of soul.

It was so warming to hear such an icon like Shad expressing vulnerability and that he too has experienced and observed insecurity and self-deprecation among men.  It’s a thing, and I know that my disconnect from my own feelings are what led me here.  Reconnecting through FEELING is important.  I am currently fighting by telling myself “don’t think, just do” because as soon as my monkey mind starts to implement self-doubt, I make harmful choices.  When I observe a feeling, I say “don’t think, just do” and follow through.  For example, after my training, I’ll immediate come and eat something.  I know that if I think, I’ll easily talk myself out of it, but by breathing and saying that mantra, I act on the impulse.

That’s what’s up.

Feel me?

On “Flux”

Life is such a flux.

I always feel like I’m searching for certainty, for “the secret”, for the “always”.  I’d like to know that my body will stay the same shape as I get healthier (save for bigger boobs and a bonitaapplebum…) and I want to know that I’ll only gain weight in muscle/the ways that I believe to be aesthetic/functional as an athlete.

I’d like for my digestion to be like clockwork; to know when I’ll need the bathroom, to know exactly what time to eat/what to eat/when to train, when it’ll rain, it’s type simple and plain to maintain
I add a little funk to the brain
The funk baby…but that’s brain-insane, no?

Insanity is the thoughts my mind tries to make me believe; those desires.  I want to feel this stuff as it arrives in my body, and then use my mind with the feedback to act on whatever arises (of which I have no control) to feel better.

It takes trust and letting go of my thoughts.  It’s so hard when I’m very used to thinking more than feeling, and overriding any physical needs before they have the chance of manifesting and me acting on them.  I have alienated my feelings because I’m afraid to feel.  But this restricted living is taking a toll on my life and I’ve come to an awareness opening up to being so damn numb that I’m willing to risk the fear in order to get out of this half life.

I have changed my schedule throughout the past few years since its implementation, granted.  As my feelings have changed, I have adapted, but only in adjusting and shifting my regimented schedule and rigidity.  Letting go actually means tossing the concept of grasping, certainty and expectations to the curb, and living with no seat under my ass.

Tuning into feelings as they come.
Ever changing.
The dynamic human being, woman, lady, little girl.
Finding balance in whatever comes.