To be Present, is not so scary

 

To be present is so not scary.

Slowly, I isolated myself from life, from fear of my bulimia and binge purge ways. Mindless. Habit and routine waked me from the hollow centre of a pit, stringently noosing my neck as I dug my nails deep in resistance. Slowly, the control of timely eating, routined meals and portions and also that of refueling without going for ages without nourishment falsely gave me a sense of control. In a way, it was a survival tactic to pull me out of Bulimia. It worked.

Now, though, I am more aware, and there is no fear of binge-purge ways. I am a Nutritionist, a coach, and a lover of helping others find self-love. But I need to live that shit first. Slowly, with presence, fucking presence, I will watch my ways and choose other ones. I will observe my body cues prior to the mind tempting me to restrict and follow the patterns that are so ingrained in me. I have innate natural intuition, as do we all, and it is always available with presence. Where do I feel the sensation in my body when I make choices? So often, I have zero awareness of the body language my muscles skin and bones are hinting at me. It is always there, again and again I slowly feel that shit. Instead of monotonizing my life, sabotaging my body and disregarding its voice, I am listening. Bloated? Needing love? What nourishment do I need?

Lately, I am finding that I need cooked foods. Rajasic state, anxiety and hyper-arousal which catapults me out of the present moment and way out of my window of tolerance are what result with vinegary salads that some part of me craves. Perhaps it’s the part of me that is desperate to FEEL. I am awakening to just how suppressed my true feelings are. I am afraid. I am afraid to trust myself. It’s been so long since I’ve honoured my true body signals and my true needs. Nourishment is holistic; it encompasses Life.

Connection, with others and the self, is a need not filled falsely or fleetingly by food. God, listening deep gives such insight onto this! Mel, my dear woman, no phone at the table! (soon this will be easier, first comes at dinner, then no longer will I even WANT the phone at the table).

Every addiction has a cause and a source. Removing the addiction does nothing unless the source is healed. So fuck, no phone at table? What does the phone at the table serve for me? I am well aware of the detriments of lack of awareness. I feel that the phone fills a void of control and lack of connection and engagement in life, so I concentrate my “high” at meals with distraction, hyper and hypo arousal via glued to instagram or reading blogs. Hmmm, as I learn what I need, I will see that I seek those meaningful connections outside of mealtimes. I feel so much better after a meal that is mindfully consumed and peacefully sated when I listen to my intuitive eating knowledge. My body responds with sound digestion, calm gut, and no need to escape myself or run away. And in this way, I heal from The Shit.

And now, begins yoga.

Anorexia and the Window of Tolerance

Warning: “informative read” aka kind of boring but really good insight #ifimaysaysomyself….

Anorexia Nervosa is physically visible as a disease of bodily malnourishment, and can be easily spotted in a struggling individual. Physical markers like shockingly low weight, gaunt face, cold hands and feet, inability to focus, among others, are easy to spot. However, the deeper seated malnourished inside the mind hides more than only the body shows. The psychological turmoil faced by those suffering ranges from abuse, trauma, pain, lack of control, a poor or non-existent self-worth, and more. Overall, the suppression of pain has been cultivated by the anorexic, in order to survive a life circumstance. Of the many causes, the reaction is the same, and can be expressed as an inability to stay within a symbolically thin window of tolerance. Mindfulness, and reconnecting with the lost sense of self as one learns to reacquaint themselves with safety in their own presence is key in healing from Anorexia Nervosa.

Trauma, regardless of the avenue experienced, is something many of us face in our lives. Through evolutionary coping mechanisms that instill a survival instinct, we engage in dissociation as a protective means to attempt to find peace and to live on. An eating disorder manifests in this way, by means of coping and controlling external stimuli when feeling out of locus of control. The Anorexic feels forced to dissociate from their body, to not live inside it, but to hover on the outside, where they feel safely disconnected from the source of trauma and pain. This is a very wise way in which to survive pain and threat, and is defined as the Fight or Flight response. The Fight response directly speaks to a feeling of emotional overwhelm, panic, feeling unsafe, angry, racing thoughts and anxiety. This can be named the state of “hyper-arousal”, and is a state of coping where we have left our window of the tolerable level of trauma experience in our lives, and are in overdrive of engagement. By contrast, hypo-arousal, the “flight” response, is where the individual numbs themselves, disconnecting from painful thoughts, engaging in feelings of shame and diving into a deep, isolating depression. It should be noted that both states cultivate a sense of isolation, as an Eating Disorder originates from feeling unsafe in one’s own body. And so, by receding from contact, the Anorexic is seeking to blanket themselves away from harm’s way.

Conversely, the happy window of tolerance that is to be cultivated for a physically and psychologically healthy individual is one that can be described as a condition where one finds it easy to carry on with daily life in a state of well being. When this window is in an appropriate range, life’s challenges are easy to cope with. When the window shrinks through dissociation, receding, numbing and when survival mode kicks in, many events are triggers into dissociation from the body, and the coping mechanisms harnessed are engaged. For anorexics, this being self-starvation.

Although the causes range drastically of why trauma occurred that shook the person so much that they found life to be unsafe, the idea of suppression and dissociation are always present. This is why the healing process must include a reintegration of the self back inwards. Emotional resilience results from a deep sense of connection with one’s needs, and is in a healthy state of balance within a range of tolerance when the boundaries of one’s limits are known, and able to be recognized in the present moment. Physical markers by form of body signals are shown, such as a rapid pulse, body temperature, observing racing thoughts, cold or hot flashes, restlessness or a sense of apathy. When these informative feelings surface, it is important to acknowledge them, and to reflect upon their source. This is the beginning of cultivating a sense of mindfulness back into the body, when the Anorexic has made it an innate habit to shut off the mechanisms of feeling emotions. By using meditative and mindfulness techniques, the healing journey can begin, and slowly, compoundedly, the Anorexic will gain awareness that the coping mechanisms that once saved them are no longer needed, as the threat is gone. In this way, the window of tolerance will widen, when occurrences are no longer seen as threats to one’s safety. A deep sense of ease will be reinstilled into one’s life, fuelled by an unwavering sense of self-knowledge, self-trust, and calamity to face life’s challenges. As this process takes place, the coping of self-starvation will slowly be weaned. Techniques like yoga, meditation, Qi gong, reflection, journaling, focusing on the breath, psychological therapy, and art expression are all means though which grounding self-knowledge provides a healing space to recover from loss of self, and from a life outside one’s shrunken window of tolerance.

Anorexia Nervosa is a debilitating illness, whose cause has a multitude of trauma. However, manifestation in dissociation from one’s body, and a loss of sense of self are all present and necessary in order for the disease to form patterns in the Anorexic. By becoming aware of the self through methods like Yoga, Mindfulness, Meditation, Qi Gong, talk-therapy, journaling, reflection, art therapy and more, an Anorexic is able to widen their window of tolerance and learn to feel safe in the world. As this regrounding process takes place, the window of tolerance widens, and one can slowly learn to end the coping cycle of self-starvation. The hope of recover is something that every hurt person needs, and getting support through this process is integral to a wholesome recovery. Pain is not a feeling that is enjoyable to experience, but by observing it and trusting in the self to overcome it, life becomes more safe. It is not that we tolerate more pain; it is that fewer of life’s challenges cause us to lose our ground, as fewer are experienced as pain. Knowing thyself is the gift of liberation, and there is hope.

Sources:

“Mindfulness And The Window Of Tolerance”. St. Michael’s Hospital Mental Health (2017): n. pag. Web. 7 Mar. 2017.

Melanie Sakowski is a Holistic Nutritionist, a Yoga Instructor, a Triathlete and an Eating Disorder warrior on a healing journey in Toronto. She believes in the power of self-connection through mind-body work in a holistic view of wellness, and looks forward to helping others heal from trauma through a multifaceted approach to wellness.

Feeding your Inner Child

food cravings

Food cravings are often confounded in media towards sweet and fatty foods. When sitting down for a meal, are you mindful of what your body is craving?  Steak (low in iron), veggies (alkaline/acidic), ginger (antiinflammatory), or anything else.  Whether your body is acidic, alkaline or nutrient-deficient, the body language speaks in hints and whispers to tell us what we need. Often we seek the advice of health professionals, external resources once illness ensues, in order to get the answer we seek. But if our own bodies are posing the questions, should we not know the answers ourselves? We are all we need to be happy and healthy, and when we tune into our body’s requests, bringing mindful awareness into and around feeding, rest, and our fundamental needs, we will not reach the point of illness. And if we do, if we listen, often our own voices are enough to tell us how to heal and repair.

self-care_-bomb_Think of a pregnant woman, nurturing inside her a child. She will have these fluctuating and demanding food cravings. Some, seemingly bizarre. As a mother is carrying a child, we are also carrying inside us our inner child. We have food and specific flavour cravings, but unlike an expecting mother, we are often taught mixed signals about suppressing our needs in favour of work and other demands. A mother knows the critical importance of feeding her child, but we often sideline and back-burn our needs as adults. These whispers and pleas from our body build up, we get confused, and often end up reaching for a sugar hit when stress accumulates and we have forgone our needs for too long. Our inner child needs to be addressed; our awareness needs not be clouded. When we practice mindfulness around body signals and tuning into our body’s language, we learn intuitive eating, just as an expecting mother does when she craves certain things that the baby needs. However in society, an expecting mother is given the space to help the child grow. Her purpose is for giving the baby the best care it can in order to grow. Society doesn’t give space for adults alike to learn this, let along children. Our purposes lie in the roles society subliminally guides us to through social norms. Be that work, school, parenting, caring for others before ourselves. We cannot help others if we have not yet helped ourselves. So, we must relearn to listen. In this way, we can learn to give our bodies what they need instead of suppressing requirements in favour of what society deems priority.

It seems that the idea behind self-love by treating your inner child with love and proper nourishment is thought to be insignificant and selfish versus necessary and self-interested. So our busyness leads us to a block with our awareness channel of our minds to our bodies, and we get sick, overweight and unhappy. We cannot change other people’s stigmas on the need for our health as a priority, but we can change our own belief systems. We can start by understanding the need to nourish our inner child. After all, we are the beings that were so cared for in the womb. We owe it to ourselves to attend to ourselves with as much care and intention. It is time for us to treat ourselves as our little child versions, as did our caregivers and mothers.

Start with mindfulness around your needs. Before eating, take a brief second or a walk around the block if you can spare it, and inquire to your body what it is craving. This takes time and a healthy dose of self-interest (not selfishness) to devote yourself to your own health. Remember, without this space for yourself, your body’s voice will be muffled or silenced, resulting in a buildup of cravings, eventually a crash.  Beginning with a mindful practice around eating opens opportunity to truly nourish your body instead of ending up confused, deprived, famished and ill.

 

Free Example of a Daily Template

On Routine:

routine

The body likes routine.  I’m not referring to a totally calculated and pre-planned existence, but more-so a plan with relative regularity in scheduling certain daily patterns:

  • Eating times
  • Exercise times
  • Sleep/Wake-up times
  • Poop times

The body flows into a rhythm, a cadence, and a beat when we listen well to its needs, and fine-tune a schedule.  Believe it or not, this implementation of a plan is key to a myriad of health benefits like:

  • minimizing disease
  • skin issues
  • weight fluctuations
  • stress
  • headaches
  • chronic illness
  • fatigue
  • gut disturbances, and more.

Although a totally monotonous lifestyle is a recipe for lacklustre predictability, give or take a half hour of buffer space, eating times, exercise times, and sleep times are a good thing to routinize.

It takes some experimentation and individualization, because everyone is different, but ultimately, once a nice pattern is formed, and fine-tuned with love and attentive to moderation and deep intuition, I can say from first-hand experience that it transformed my life from a place of extreme self-harm, to utmost self-love, calm, self-awareness and peace.

As promised, here is an example of a daily template:

7:00AM Wake up
Say morning mantra and practice abdominal Pranayama breathing while still in bed
Brush teeth, wash face, use toilet

7:15AM
Morning walk, 10 mins

7:30AM
Prepare breakfast
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

9:00AM 60 swim minute Workout
WU

600 swim
10 x 50 as break-out/build @ 50s

MS 1
21 x 50 @ 50s as:
3x
1) break-out
2) 25!/25ez
3) 35!/15 ez
4) AO!
5) ascend
6) 25!/25ez
7) build

100 ez

4 x 150 @ 2:15 as: 25 scull/25 breathing-5/25 breathing-7/25 ALL OUT!/50K NB underwater on your side (25LS/25RS)

100 ez

10 x 75 as (100 ez after first 5)
first 5: breathing 3-5-7
last 5: breathing 7-5-3
ALL ODDS: ascending
ALL EVENS: descending

CD

300 ez
500 dr/sc/k/sw/pull

12:00PM
10 minute walk

12:15PM Lunch
Prepare lunch
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

4PM Snack
Prepare snack
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

6:00 PM
Evening walk, 10 mins

6:15PM
Prepare dinner
Practice cultivating gratitude and focus on breath for 1 min
Eat meal in calm and peace, with no phone/technology/e-mail checking

8PM
Small evening snack
Night time meditation, sitting and focusing on breath for 10 minutes, and reviewing the day

10PM Goodnight 

  • Notes:

    Try to eat only so much that you know you will be hungry in 3-4hours.
    Be aware of your self-duty in this process of finding your balanced state of being and mind.
    Be aware and accepting that this process might take some tweaking, patience is key.
    Re-assess, re-assess, and re-asses!
    Namasthe 🙂

Here’s a good song, have a sweet Thursday!  Stay tuned for a package to individualize a jump-start weekly program, and 30 day re-set including recipes, and applicable workouts.

When you can’t stop thinking, Sing.

indian princesses

At The Yoga Institute where I got certified as a Yoga Instructor, the Director, Hansaji Jayadeva Yogendra shared with us a few healthy habits to incorporate into our lives.

Simple Good Life Tips from a Yoga Perspective: (basically, from a “self-love” perspective)

  • walk for 10 mins before and after eating, faster before, slower after
  • breathe deep for 60 seconds before eating a meal
  • practice Jalneti, or clearing of the nasal passage daily 
  • practice asanas, or yoga postures daily
  • think less

Sooooo, the bolded point.  This is tricky.

During a walk with Hansaji one morning, I was humming and hawing about my life troubles, like: my ass that had been injured, a sense of “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life”, being broke, and wanting to travel.

She let me ramble, and then said, “Canadian girl, you think too much.  Less thought will mean more peace, and then you will see how your life will just happen as it is meant to.”

To this, I replied, “I know, way too much, and am struggling with how to stop so that I can just live.”

She then said this brilliant thing, “When you find that you cannot stop thinking, sing.”

I love this, have loved it since, and have followed it.  It is wonderful, I suggest to try it!  By singing, the mind is unable to multitask, and it focuses instead on the beauty of the melody that you are singing along to.  It’s like laughter, an instant vacation, so calming and blissful.

Here’s a sweet lil mantra that I fell in love with.  It’s a pop version of a powerful mantra, that is one of the oldest and most powerful of Sanskrit mantras . It is believed that by chanting the Gayatri mantra and firmly establishing it in the mind, if you carry on your life and do the work that is ordained for you, your life will be full of happiness.  You can often find me singing it on the Scarborough streets, among other songs 🙂