Letting Go

Usually, I don’t do this shit: ingredients really are “non-food” items…

“Crab” salad: you know that “flavoured pollock” đź’©

So much poop in here, solittlecare

But you know what? #yolo and #lettinggo feels better.


Everything in moderation, even moderation is good. If this is my “treat”, then so be it. I really do enjoy this salad, and I really don’t have very much at all bc my body doesn’t like too much (probs knows it has yick stuff in der).

I like a little bit, life’s spicy when you follow your intuition.

#TEAMGETMELSPERIODBACK

On “Flux”

Life is such a flux.

I always feel like I’m searching for certainty, for “the secret”, for the “always”.  I’d like to know that my body will stay the same shape as I get healthier (save for bigger boobs and a bonitaapplebum…) and I want to know that I’ll only gain weight in muscle/the ways that I believe to be aesthetic/functional as an athlete.

I’d like for my digestion to be like clockwork; to know when I’ll need the bathroom, to know exactly what time to eat/what to eat/when to train, when it’ll rain, it’s type simple and plain to maintain
I add a little funk to the brain
The funk baby…but that’s brain-insane, no?

Insanity is the thoughts my mind tries to make me believe; those desires.  I want to feel this stuff as it arrives in my body, and then use my mind with the feedback to act on whatever arises (of which I have no control) to feel better.

It takes trust and letting go of my thoughts.  It’s so hard when I’m very used to thinking more than feeling, and overriding any physical needs before they have the chance of manifesting and me acting on them.  I have alienated my feelings because I’m afraid to feel.  But this restricted living is taking a toll on my life and I’ve come to an awareness opening up to being so damn numb that I’m willing to risk the fear in order to get out of this half life.

I have changed my schedule throughout the past few years since its implementation, granted.  As my feelings have changed, I have adapted, but only in adjusting and shifting my regimented schedule and rigidity.  Letting go actually means tossing the concept of grasping, certainty and expectations to the curb, and living with no seat under my ass.

Tuning into feelings as they come.
Ever changing.
The dynamic human being, woman, lady, little girl.
Finding balance in whatever comes.

The “NOW” Diet

Sat nam…mtherlvrs…

Why my restricted diet didn’t work:

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I grew up in a controlling home; Mum and Dad were eastern Europeans and followed the mantra of “finish what’s on your plate before you can leave the table”. Food was served to me, and I rebelled growing up by ordering chicken fingers and fries on special request at every dinner out (even when not on the menu). “Picky eater” was what I was dubbed. But in retrospect, I can see that my little self was trying to solidify herself in self-assurance and in my rebelling, I was attempting to gain control over my own life. I became so keen to rebel that it then became my identity because I was so sick and unhappy of being told what or when to eat. Essentially, my identity became “Fuck you, I’ll do the opposite of what you want me to do.” The trouble lay in my identity becoming a mask of coping through rebellion, instead of true intuitive listening to my own needs. What the hell did I like to eat?

Long ass food journey of Bulimia, Anorexia, seasoned with Anxiety and Depression. Honestly, now, as I heal, I can say that self-awareness and being present is the key to finding myself. There is no fear and no need to escape myself when I’m present. If I dissociate, numb myself, mindlessly eat shit that bloats me, if I don’t tune into my true hungers, be them mind-based or physiological or BOTH, then I lose myself. The cycle continues in this catalyzing way, the vicious turmoil of pain and more pain, craving more and more escape. More water, more salt, more foods that engage my psychological needs to FEEL (think shitloads of Tabasco, heat, FEELINGS, SENSATIONS, etcetc).

After high school and university, binge-purge escapism persisted. I was a sensationalist. I rebelled so hard and didn’t eat the “real food” served at home, buying into my now-ingrained habit of rebellion by way of non-food items (egg white fluff pancakes, fat-free coffee whitener, sugar free jam…copious amounts of splenda…) paved way to finding a healthier way in more routine, and Timothy Ferriss’s “slow-carb” diet. This was a new awakening for me. A peek at physiological nourishment. So I followed, strictly. Slowly, binges stopped. I ate on time, without hours of punitive fasting, and real food like eggs and hummus. But my deep sense of self was still not looked at. I was covering up the wound, not looking at the pain, again, escaping. I’ll bless my own soul for surviving though, because each step along this journey has molded my NOW. Thanks sexci Ferriss for the SC diet because it gave me nourishment, body nourishment and not soul, albeit, but still good food. But, HARK- (?)

This new diet, “Paleo” became what I believed to be my saviour. But then my life gradually took on an insane routine-oriented blinding, rubbish-path. Obsessed with timing of food, and so keen to listen to body hunger cues while still bloating and dishonouring my intuition, I closed off my own life.

Today, right now, I am changing. More aware of myself than ever before, I don’t want to hide from my feelings anymore. When I release this stronghold of routine, I am forced to FEEL. When I feel all of my needs, all my body’s speech, I am so goddamn grounded. Fuck, I just now had the first real food breakfast I’ve had in years, instead of my usual super-diluted protein-powdered blended “smoothie bowl” (sometimes smoothies good, sometimes chew, aye?!). What I am realizing is that the reasons my “diet” and most “diets” don’t work, is because WE are always changing. We have to constantly tune into our needs, no singular rules will work. For example, kefir, good shit, right? Honestly though, not alllll the time! Sometimes my body doesn’t want kefir, and sometimes it does. That’s WORK. That’s discomfort in awareness. Listening, because we are DYNAMIC beings, this human shit we partake in. Always changing, no constant, no definitive rules. Sometimes poo 2x a day, sometimes 4 (sorry for those less than 2….bless your souls….might I suggest flax? sometimes…).

That’s that. I’m on my way. We all are, aren’t we?

And now, some funny indian comedy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_o_GAZMnmuM&t=70s

Have a sweet ass Monday!

Support and Shit

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Today is one of the most beautiful days we’ve had in a while, the sun is gleaming and people are smiling.  You don’t realize the lack of sun-streak of weather you’ve got until the yellow god peeks from the clouds and shines through everything.  Warm and good vibes.

Yesterday was a rough day.  After expecting to have my MRI results from my physiotherapist, I was heartbroken after I arrived without news; he legally isn’t able to tell me.  This is so hard, after being informed that I could get results from him by the receptionist (reason for not making a follow-up appointment with the referring doc), and arriving at my morning appointment after a sleepless night, the only word to describe how I took the news is heartbroken.  So I have an appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon on March 14th (next wed) where I’ll get all the info I need, but in my world I should have known results on the 24th of Feb (day of my MRI) and 3 weeks to read something that I could know instantly is pretty unfathomable to me.  If I had an “in” or knew someone I could have the results with the snap of a finger.  It’s terribly disheartening.

But I can’t live in “ifs” and “shoulds” and “woulds”, right?  The fact is that it’s just “NOT”, so why fucking torture myself with something that isn’t….WELL the point stands that I want to change it.  BUT BUT BUT. I’m exhausted.  I am going to let it be.  I am sick and tired.

This stunning day makes me want to fly down a trail through the trees, breathing in the fresh grass smell and soaking up the sun.  The fact is that my body is asking me to do something, rest?  Whatever, for one reason or another my body isn’t ready to run.  Injury? I honestly believe that everything is connected, and my mind isn’t in a good place right now.  I need to heal from a holistic and whole body approach, and then I will be able to fulfill my potential and love.  I need to be at a place where I love myself.  Yesterday my brother asked me if I wanted to love myself unconditionally.  I replied “No”, but this was out of a dark place I was in and it was a protective albeit immature answer.  I do.  This is hard to say.  Can’t really understand why.  I am punishing myself for not running, which is fuelling the cycle of injury and preventing my healing.  Love heals everything, and I’m standing in my own way.  I’m a big believer in Eastern medicine and the power of self-healing, and I need to use my knowledge that I share and condone so much, and use it on myself.  It’s so much easier to tell people to do things than it is to take your own advice, isn’t it?

If you really want something in life, you will get it.  But you have to want it badly enough.

Not only do I desperately want to run, but I also am aware that I need to heal in order to do so.  I know I’m out of wack and something has to go back into place before I can realize that love.  I need to heal.  The hard part is starting, where the fuck to start?  I think it’s important that I start with positive thinking.  I think the end goal is to stop hating myself for what I am not, but instead loving myself for what I am.  Bro also said “you’ve gotta focus on the positive”, obvious lesson we learned in like, kindergarden, but maybe the words are rhetorical, but is the lesson?  Not in my world.  I roll my eyes when I think of that, but when I actually THINK of it, contemplate it, I realize that I don’t follow through with it.  Feed the soul with love and love will grow.

It’s a beautiful day outside, I’m going to appreciate what I can do today, and look forward to what I will be able to do in a tomorrow.

Here’s a corny ass song that’s been stuck in my head since last night (rrrrrrrrrrrrr).  Also, I’d like to send out my appreciation for my dear friend Cheryl, she is hitting things I’m struggling with dead on, and she’s my ground right now.  Honestly if you read this dear, you have no idea how much you are helping me.  This post is for you, thank you.  Smile, gyal.