Presence

I have an accountability deal with my neighbour: we text each other when we are doing our daily 10 min meditation (where we sit and focus on breath…that’s it).  It’s great, I recommend it highly.

Today, I had no energy to do my workout.  I was so close to taking a walk through High Park instead.  And it was scary AS, but I also viewed that I didn’t need to escape.  I didn’t wake up famished.  I wasn’t in survival mode.  It was a heavenly peaceful insight; giving myself the space to be aware.  Man, I deserve rest.  I want to run and race and have fun, cry, date, play, swim…..And it’s balance, nah?  I am in a state though where rest is scary, it’s foreign.  willmeditateonthisdon’tlikethinkingaboutit

I went to the gym and did my helliptical workout.  It was OK, I had such mindgames throughout the “ride”: basically deciding over and over again each minute that “that’s it”, I’ve had enough and will stop….I finished it, but definitely not as hard as able.  Probably as hard as I could, granted my body’s state.

I’m glad I went because I connected with the humanity of the gym goers afterwards when I overheard Jamie, an experienced older runner, mention how some days are just “get it done days”, and I felt like that big time today.  (rest would’ve been more body-beneficial though)…so we all exchanged expressions about rest, injury, healing etc.  That connection was worth it.  I am sick of living in isolation.

I have also had real unsettled gut.  I get so frustrated.  I know I eat too many veg and the fiber overload isn’t what my body’s asking for.  I am confused about the intuitive voice of my body.  I realized that I’m scared of bingeing deep down, although my soul knows that I’m not in that danger zone of such self-hatred any longer.  I’ve upped the level of self love, but still am scared to let go and fully trust.

It’s easier to control my body through suppression and using “safe foods” as fillers.  But then I get bloated, uncomfortable, and confused about hunger cues bc I hold in my tum and man it’s hard when you’re full of bulk to distinguish hunger, let alone what would best suit your body to eat.

Check this out though: my google search of “how to hear hunger cravings and choose what to eat”

How fucked is that?  The emphasis is so much on suppression.

“How to Outsmart A Craving”

Jesus, it’s scary aye?  We’re primed to believe that our intuition is wrong.  I understand the challenge, the confounding cycle of our body’s trying to survive the stress we undergo in the Western world of crunched lunches, scarfed snacks of sugar, alcohol, cigs, stimulants, NSAID’s, pain coping, escapism.  We don’t stop to breathe, meditate, feel, damnit.  So we crave sugars because our body’s are hurting for an insulin spike due to high cortisol, and the reliance on easy fast foods for survival.

Are we living in survival mode?

 

When do we stop to tune into ourselves?

How is your gut?  Mine’s giving me info, hard to tell what it means.  Maybe to rest, breathe, work on myself.  The space is scary.  What to fill it with.  I’m blogging, sharing my story, and deciding each moment to choose to save myself.

So here’s an ode to awareness and to making space for feelings.  To trusting intuition.  To look at hunger cravings and ask what the body is looking for, before acting on it.  Craving sugar means some things, lots.  But only each individual person can find that answer out for themselves.  I am so confused by cravings since I’ve shut them off, and listening is scary.  I pretty much have zero sugar cravings, when in uni, under so much social pressure, stress, bullying, I gorged on Splenda and Twin Sugar, never eating real food: meals could be a tub of sugar free yog, with 8 packets of fake sugar crap, and sugar free jam.  Followed by coffee whitener, and then saying “fuck it” and raiding my roommates pantiries for “forbidden” foods like cinnamon toast crunch and skippy PB.  Stuffing myself with cookies.

Then puking it all up.

That’ sucked hard.  It’s been 7 years since my experience of Bulimia, and my god, I am blessed to be through that part of my healing journey.

And now, so scared to face that, I truck on.  I know I need to heal deep.  The source of the pain is the same, the coping, differs.  But the healing is in truly honouring my body and it’s voice.  There is no fear in presence.  I totally was disconnected with that voice throughout High School and uni.  I’m finding it again.  And learning to embrace myself, man, ya;

I am beautiful.

Thanks Christina, now that song’s stuck in my head.

Fucking consciousness, eh?

OM.

Looking forward to meditating today.

Bless

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