Drinking wine, working on my website, probably constipated.
All of it, the body rebels so hard when disconnected from it. Eating disorders thrive on escapism. Totally feel that. Exercise is an escape. Today, I ran for the second time since my stress fracture in January, and man my legs are like lead. My first run was on Wednesday and it was such bliss until the next day when I work up and this happened:
Such le merde pain. I haven’t swam as a discipline for months, because I’m too scared of cold. My body gets so damn cold because of low body fat. But I’ve gained some weight, boobs feel better, hey hey hello.
The running, I love. This pain, sucks. It’s such a different way to live to focus on the living part, instead of controlling food times, and “fitting life in” around that. It’s so new and hard (thatswhatshesaid)…but it’s right.
I am really keen to hear about other people’s experiences with all the tummy troubles regarding eating disorders. I have had a chronic run stitch off and on for years when I was running, and it sucks. I trust intuitively that the cause stems from not listening to my body’s cues etc. Like today, I asked myself if it would bring me joy to go on that run, and I looked into my eyes in the bathroom mirror and answered “no”…I still ran though. And ended up walking home after some really fun trail blazing in High Park.
I am in the process of creating an online profile for myself, for eating disorder recovery, mindfulness, awareness, holistic nutrition, yoga, trail running, connection, etc, but I feel isolated and alone. I know this is my calling, and I know intuitively, deeply that I’m not alone, but I feel it. Day-to-day I feel like I’m lacking social connection, meaningful connection, and even when I have it, I don’t feel present in the moment. I’m really sick of food taking precedence over my thoughts. I know it’s so important, but I guess similarly to media as a tool, instagram and facebook that’ll be “tools” I’ll use as promoting my cause, they are to be used and not abused. Food’s been abused in my life. I want to use my knowledge to stop bloating myself, food diluting, feigning the idea that I don’t really know what I need. I know what I need. But it’s almost like I feel like I need my life to be so “ideal” that I have to wait till perfection until I “light the match”…. like I need an external condition before I bite the “oatmeal”….
Some good shit that I AM doing (instead of focusing on what I’m not) is writing a challenge list and ticking things off as I go. One of those things was a burger…did it! Bunless, albeit, but the patty is still a challenge. I also ate out at Antler (eating around people is a challenge), and am eating (sometimes…) in between lunch and dinner when I know I need to, instead of convincing myself that the headache is a result of being tired and not low blood sugar. I’ve also had a promise of a free burger from The Rude Boy Burger for a sponsored burger on the house in my ED recovery journey. Big bless. It’s too hot to cook today, maybe it’s the day. I did a caesar solo on a patio from BQM too. It was nice.
I wish I had people around me going through this shit to lean on. I’ve got Jill from A Case of the Jills, and she’s such a sweet spokesperson for Hypothalamic Amenorrhea, and it’s a blessing to feel supported by her. But in terms of human beings that are here, nah.