On “Flux”

Life is such a flux.

I always feel like I’m searching for certainty, for “the secret”, for the “always”.  I’d like to know that my body will stay the same shape as I get healthier (save for bigger boobs and a bonitaapplebum…) and I want to know that I’ll only gain weight in muscle/the ways that I believe to be aesthetic/functional as an athlete.

I’d like for my digestion to be like clockwork; to know when I’ll need the bathroom, to know exactly what time to eat/what to eat/when to train, when it’ll rain, it’s type simple and plain to maintain
I add a little funk to the brain
The funk baby…but that’s brain-insane, no?

Insanity is the thoughts my mind tries to make me believe; those desires.  I want to feel this stuff as it arrives in my body, and then use my mind with the feedback to act on whatever arises (of which I have no control) to feel better.

It takes trust and letting go of my thoughts.  It’s so hard when I’m very used to thinking more than feeling, and overriding any physical needs before they have the chance of manifesting and me acting on them.  I have alienated my feelings because I’m afraid to feel.  But this restricted living is taking a toll on my life and I’ve come to an awareness opening up to being so damn numb that I’m willing to risk the fear in order to get out of this half life.

I have changed my schedule throughout the past few years since its implementation, granted.  As my feelings have changed, I have adapted, but only in adjusting and shifting my regimented schedule and rigidity.  Letting go actually means tossing the concept of grasping, certainty and expectations to the curb, and living with no seat under my ass.

Tuning into feelings as they come.
Ever changing.
The dynamic human being, woman, lady, little girl.
Finding balance in whatever comes.

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