Where I’m at Now

There are so many stories about post-recovery from dis-ease, and here’s one for the now of dis-ease. Being in The Storm is meritable, valid and crucial. The “in-shit”, not the “aha”that comes through healing. What about the pain in healing? I’ve struggled with eating disorders of all sorts for years. I am currently in a bout of depression, keeping afloat, finding peace within me, tempted by escapism and distraction albeit, but aided through therapy to return to the source, myself, to heal.

Lack of self-love and compassion are so harmful, especially when cultivated compoundedly, and one day, they avalanche into presence, and you don’t know how they built up because you can’t see the forest for the trees. It’s so easy to continue with routine and avoidance, but half a life is not Life, not My Life.

There is so much wonderful information about the recovery process and causes of eating disorders. My roots lie in lack of self-love, lack of meaningful self-attachment, lack of self-purpose and pain avoidance as a form of survival. Ultimately, I’m “holding on”, attempting at an obtuse way to control where I feel I am out of control in other aspects of life. I’ve read Pema Chodron’s book “When things fall apart” recently, and her theme is that of groundlessness. This is the essence of life, not grasping on to solidity, not striving for consistency or any form of permanence. To breathe though all the shit and be. I have to believe that I am worth nurturing, worth thriving, worth a whole life.

Eating disorders, after all, are never about the food. With the visible symptoms of weight and food, it’s so easy to falsely blame source, but symptoms aren’t cause. Like Eastern medicine; Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine both reach for the sources of illness, which lie deep within. Oh fuck, that’s The Work. In the Now. Right now, I had a controlled morning, a controlled breakfast, a controlled schedule. I have been doing 60 min spins on my indoor trainer since returning from my Vipassana 10-day silent meditation course (of which I stayed 3 days because #O#%*@&#$!!!!). I was doing little runs, like I had done in New Zealand, but my body wasn’t accustomed to the pavement and Brimley hill, and spoke in form of a calf strain. Body isn’t recovering well because I stand in the way via not loving myself enough to properly treat my whole self. And so, I spin first thing in the morning. I woke up hungry, and rode through it after taking a Ginseng shot from Xiaolan, a Chinese Medicine goddess in Toronto (an inspirational woman to my being, to the Healer I will become as I heal myself). Breakfast was a “smoothie bowl” with Vega pro and peanut butter, but so diluted because man, ultimately, a damn protein powder smoothie bowl isn’t real food to my body. Real food is how I will intuit my needs and properly fuel, instead of monotonously following routined habit because it is “safe”. This is fear based, because I am afraid of leaving the safe level of comfort with myself that I’ve chosen. The “safe” liking of myself that dictates the set point at which I choose to live my life and treat myself day in- to day end. Wow, fuck eh. That’s it. The thermostat switch needs to change right thur.

I am slowly doing little acts of self-care, and believing that I deserve it. Fuck all this hippie spiritual non-consumerism sometimes because I really feel good in my new silk dress (although as I love myself more, my ass will look more apple-bummed and nicely “jolly” in it). I give myself the space to be human in this lifetime, in this consumerist age. It doesn’t mean that I am less spiritually grounded or rubbish like that. Although I’ve taken a break from social media; Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all of which I had abused and was blinded into thinking that those relationships were real, when really they were void-filling. I see that these resources can be tools, just as Mind is a tool. My left hand pines for the phone to scroll on insta while eating, but I am reminding myself constantly to “use my mind” instead. Mindfully respect myself and food while I eat. I see how I treat food as a void filling my attachment needs (to self, to others, to purpose), and it is so easy to fall into habit of self-blinding when it hurts the most to accept where I am at, right NOW. Fuck, right now I have a bit of indigestion, and want to expend my being into something, to FEEL, and so I write. I am a little bloated after breakfast, because I know my set-point of Self-love has been hyper-vigilantly controlled after my morning spin – it’s like I am now able to maintain that “threshold pace” for the day after starting on that note. I am close to changing, to choosing Yoga in the morning instead of spinning. My legs are so tired from spinning and I don’t enjoy it. I love running, and want to heal so that I can run and do it out of enjoyment rather than compulsivity. To settle in the groundlessness of not knowing how the world will be tomorrow, maybe I run, maybe I don’t.   To love myself enough to trust in the adaptation process. To have my drives stem from a place of utterly compassionate self-love and a deep desire for self-care. That’s why I didn’t aimlessly walk around today, aimlessly trek downtown, aimlessly take my laptop to the plaza’s lib or employment services centre to punch out this post or to distractedly read or scroll though twitter feed. To side-tab endlessly at Craigslist job postings that I deep down know aren’t pursposed for me right now, healing is priority. I am so keen to help others and be of service, but see this at the time as a way to distract myself from healing Me. As I heal, I will be able to help so much, to give, to work, to be around others at this vibrational level in a balance of giving, receiving, wholesomely. It’s 10:17am, and in my head I know I’m counting down the time until lunch, kind of. I see how I fill my time with emptying and filling, as a means to play out a supposed life in the set-point I am at. I wish to raise my self-love set-point. I am starting with breath and awareness.

No phone at the table.

Compassionate shoulder-melting

Finding my “still-pointed awareness” prior to meals

Connecting, meaningfully to others that uplift me

Seeking inspiration from other Wild Women

Slowly letting go; cultivating curiosity with letting go of my “anchors” that aren’t serving me

Using muscle testing when I am uncertain of my path

Trusting that the universe has my back

Petting Cleocatra

Dear little Melanie,

I love you,

I’m sorry,

Please forgive me,

Thank you.

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6 thoughts on “Where I’m at Now

  1. Dearest little Melanie, u r perfect just the way u r…I’m learning to accept u right now becos noone else knows how we truly feel, but I do, here and now! This feels like shit but it also feels good to know u r well and truly alive, let me embrace this moment here with u in love. u r Beautyful to me, yr a lost little girl and it’s Ok, yr home now here with me! I love u and I thank u, I love u and I accept u even when u feel this shitty, it’s all good becos we r here together now😇

    • Oh dear Alyse, bless your soul for this reply, I am in tears of awe and gratitude, I don’t know how you found me, and I’ve been feeling your energy, I have printed your book and it is 4 cm from the right of my hand as I type to you. Thank you so much, I am a big tree, my roots grow deep.

      No more words can express my feeling for right now and you,
      Love,
      Mel

    • Aw Lydia dear girl, Kia Ora and bless you for this empathy and compassion.

      I am in awe at feeling supported, and not alone in the struggle.
      Sending you love and light and hope and peace,
      Mel xo

  2. Thank you Mel for sharing your story with us. It sounds like a scream of being lost and asking for help to show you the road. Many people can give you good advises, but unfortunately you are the one, who has to find your road. I’m not injured like you, but understand every word as I have been experiencing the same shit for years including digestive problems and infections. You are right, they aren’t the cause, they are only symptoms that we didn’t care of ourselves, we didn’t nurtured with love, but self-flagellation, fears, anger or repression. I cannot show you how to get out of this bloody deep hole, as I’m also just trying to climb out but often fall back. But you have the Strength and the Willpower to heal yourself, even if you will fail a couple of times, I know, I feel you will stand up and continue to climb even stronger. Most of the people out there give up, when I look around I can see many depressed, weak guys and girls, who even don’t think how to get better, they just complain and suck out energy of others. I’m truly happy we found each other, because we both belong to the Strong Human tribe, lil sis 🙂 I believe those people can be the best healers who traveled to every f*cking corner of hell and were able to come out alive.
    Holding your hands sweetie, even if it is only virtual, we will make it, I know! Sending magical esoteric universal (wtf? :D) love and energy to you.
    Harumomo_chan from IG

  3. Maybe there is still one advice I can give: be among people. You are someone who needs people around her. Maybe try to find a job, even if it isn’t your dream job, or nothing has to do with your qualification, being among humans will fill your day, get out of boredom, and makes you smile everyday 🙂 Maybe serving people (waitress, seller behind a counter) is the best way. You will feel better pretty soon and will have more energy to focus on yourself and healing.

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