Raw Vulnerability

Inspired by Brené…and also because #YOLO

Things I know:

  • The gut produces like, 95% (or something) of our serotonin (happydrug)
  • The vata dosha is air, and imbalance is demonstrated by gas, bloating, bad shits
  • GERD and hyperacidity are calmed with wholesome grainy foods that “soak up and soothe”
  • I am “constipated” although I shit like 5 times a day
  • My running stitch that’s been chronic for the past 2 years now is definitely factored by constipation, hyperacidity, GERD, burps, and dishonouring my body’s intuitive eating needs, as well as stress
  • I hold stress in my body, stomach, in form of tension and this also wreaks havoc on the body, disabling calm bowels and deep breathing (causing chest breath)
  • Breath is Life force, Prana, Ojas, Qi: the more deeply I breathe, the longer I live, the fucking better I live, the better I feel
  • A good, solid shit is like, the gift from GOD (DONTDENY)
  • I feel so damn alive after a good, healthy run in nature, and darkoclockismyjam #iownallthestreets #butwhenimovetoBCiwillbehumbledbythequiettrailsofthebirdsbeesandbears #yikes
  • I fucking love puns
  • When I let go of control, I liberate myself
  • I want a community, I want to host retreats with like-minded people who together work for a cause of healing others, and I want to be financially stable through this endeavour, honouring my needs, healing my family, people in the rat race of cell-phone dependence and lack of self-awareness and connection with others, and I want them all to have customized coffee mugs with a great pun made by YoursTruly out of which we sip our tea (orwine) around bonfires, hugging trees in lieu of #ShinrinYoku

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I am now a certified Holistic Nutritionist after completing a course from New Zealand.

I am understanding to the point of nauseating monkeyminding overanalyzing of what I need to do in order to fuel well and feel good.

I am literally standing in my own way of happiness.

I watch how I fill myself with fibrous veg, while posting on instagram about “carb appropriate”, and yet I don’t want to feel good enough to thrive. I sacrifice feeling “#WELLTH” (whatevsMr.Waschob…butlikeyourecoolnstuff) for habit of filling up on green beans and balsamic vinegar. I know how to cook a damn fineasschanamasala, but find it challenging to eat based on effectiveness and less bulk because I rely on the eating process for my “high” in life (ever get “fear of finished meal syndrome”? GaborMatédoes I am watching how I get this. And man, it’s all CONTROL-BASED: being stuck in the vicious cycle of training (defuel), and eating (refuel) to satiate my addiction of busyingmyselfsothatiFeelAlive.

That’s it:

I

WANT

TO

FEEL

ALIVE.

Julie Daniluk said this in a talk she presented at the Hay House summit years ago in relation to Bulimia – the simple desire to FEEL. And then comes forgiveness, all I fucking want is to feel.

So then, Monkey Minding Mel, what do you need in order to feel good without this rubbish way of unliving?

We all deserve: Compassion, unconditional self-love and to feel good.

I want desperately to help others, and I am awakening to the need to first help myself. I don’t know what it’ll take in order for me to trust that I want to feel good. I don’t like living in Scarborough, isolated from community and wherearethepeoplewhogetwhatisaywhenimentionTheUniverseandEnergyandtrailrunningfomo?!

I want to be in BC, but I don’t want to run away from myself anymore. New Zealand was phenomenal, but it taught me that in my search to “find myself”, I couldn’t look outside of myself. I must sit and look inwards. Do the “little Melanie”, inner-child work, meditate on it? Fuck. The Work: capital W.

Who get’s this shit?

Here’s to a Raw and Vulnerable post, the Good Shit (pleaseletsallhaveagoodshit).

I’m totally screwed for one hell of a ride come mid-Nov for my 10 day silent meditation retreat: Vipassana.

Challo, omies xo

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