Support and Shit

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Today is one of the most beautiful days we’ve had in a while, the sun is gleaming and people are smiling.  You don’t realize the lack of sun-streak of weather you’ve got until the yellow god peeks from the clouds and shines through everything.  Warm and good vibes.

Yesterday was a rough day.  After expecting to have my MRI results from my physiotherapist, I was heartbroken after I arrived without news; he legally isn’t able to tell me.  This is so hard, after being informed that I could get results from him by the receptionist (reason for not making a follow-up appointment with the referring doc), and arriving at my morning appointment after a sleepless night, the only word to describe how I took the news is heartbroken.  So I have an appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon on March 14th (next wed) where I’ll get all the info I need, but in my world I should have known results on the 24th of Feb (day of my MRI) and 3 weeks to read something that I could know instantly is pretty unfathomable to me.  If I had an “in” or knew someone I could have the results with the snap of a finger.  It’s terribly disheartening.

But I can’t live in “ifs” and “shoulds” and “woulds”, right?  The fact is that it’s just “NOT”, so why fucking torture myself with something that isn’t….WELL the point stands that I want to change it.  BUT BUT BUT. I’m exhausted.  I am going to let it be.  I am sick and tired.

This stunning day makes me want to fly down a trail through the trees, breathing in the fresh grass smell and soaking up the sun.  The fact is that my body is asking me to do something, rest?  Whatever, for one reason or another my body isn’t ready to run.  Injury? I honestly believe that everything is connected, and my mind isn’t in a good place right now.  I need to heal from a holistic and whole body approach, and then I will be able to fulfill my potential and love.  I need to be at a place where I love myself.  Yesterday my brother asked me if I wanted to love myself unconditionally.  I replied “No”, but this was out of a dark place I was in and it was a protective albeit immature answer.  I do.  This is hard to say.  Can’t really understand why.  I am punishing myself for not running, which is fuelling the cycle of injury and preventing my healing.  Love heals everything, and I’m standing in my own way.  I’m a big believer in Eastern medicine and the power of self-healing, and I need to use my knowledge that I share and condone so much, and use it on myself.  It’s so much easier to tell people to do things than it is to take your own advice, isn’t it?

If you really want something in life, you will get it.  But you have to want it badly enough.

Not only do I desperately want to run, but I also am aware that I need to heal in order to do so.  I know I’m out of wack and something has to go back into place before I can realize that love.  I need to heal.  The hard part is starting, where the fuck to start?  I think it’s important that I start with positive thinking.  I think the end goal is to stop hating myself for what I am not, but instead loving myself for what I am.  Bro also said “you’ve gotta focus on the positive”, obvious lesson we learned in like, kindergarden, but maybe the words are rhetorical, but is the lesson?  Not in my world.  I roll my eyes when I think of that, but when I actually THINK of it, contemplate it, I realize that I don’t follow through with it.  Feed the soul with love and love will grow.

It’s a beautiful day outside, I’m going to appreciate what I can do today, and look forward to what I will be able to do in a tomorrow.

Here’s a corny ass song that’s been stuck in my head since last night (rrrrrrrrrrrrr).  Also, I’d like to send out my appreciation for my dear friend Cheryl, she is hitting things I’m struggling with dead on, and she’s my ground right now.  Honestly if you read this dear, you have no idea how much you are helping me.  This post is for you, thank you.  Smile, gyal.

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