Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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Happy St. Patrick’s day, I’m wiped.

This has been an exhausting week.  My MRI results came in with a negative on the hip impingement diagnosis which is wicked, but possibly an athletic hip hernia or tendinosis.  I’m being sent for an ultrasound which should give me an answer within a couple of weeks.  Regardless, the wait and anticipation of results this week was adrenally exhausting.  

I went on three bike rides outside this week as well, for the first time in a good couple of months or so.  They were wicked.  I think the fear of hip impingement had me apprehensive of labrum damage.  Biking felt foreign, which is understandable considering I haven’t been biking in so long.  It didn’t feel painful, but uncomfortable.  Honestly my gut (hey hey #punny) feeling is that it’s a hernia….We’ll see.  I also swam without a pull-buoy which was so LIBERATING!  Same feeling though, hip felt weak, and mildly uncomfortable, tight and fatigued….I will soon enough.

I also had two exams this week, one this past Thursday for Athletic Injuries, and one today for Drugs and Behaviour (zero interest in this course, dislike it strongly, incredibly apathetic towards course content).  I was a bit of a downer today after my exam, it went terribly and put a damper on my mood. Or I guess I allowed myself to succumb to being a downer in the way that I appraised the situation, because ultimately it’s my choice how I let things affect me. I let myself down, but physically I am tired. I went out to meet with some friends after my exam, when truthfully all I really wanted to do was lie down in my bed and sleep, I’m so tired. I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately. BUT I made it out, and had some fun, but didn’t last too long. After a couple of hours I really wanted to go home, so home I did go. I sat on my front porch for a bit and imagined I was sitting on a mountain, the air was so sweet smelling tonight. Excitement and summer in the air.

I’m saving my pre-bed abs routine for tomorrow morning. My bed is summoning me and I have no opposition to climb under my sheets. It’s been a tough week.

Happy St. Patty’s day and goodnight.

(ps sidenote this is how I felt about having an exam today from 2-4pm….on st.patrick’s day….I mean come on prof, what gives?!)

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Support and Shit

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Today is one of the most beautiful days we’ve had in a while, the sun is gleaming and people are smiling.  You don’t realize the lack of sun-streak of weather you’ve got until the yellow god peeks from the clouds and shines through everything.  Warm and good vibes.

Yesterday was a rough day.  After expecting to have my MRI results from my physiotherapist, I was heartbroken after I arrived without news; he legally isn’t able to tell me.  This is so hard, after being informed that I could get results from him by the receptionist (reason for not making a follow-up appointment with the referring doc), and arriving at my morning appointment after a sleepless night, the only word to describe how I took the news is heartbroken.  So I have an appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon on March 14th (next wed) where I’ll get all the info I need, but in my world I should have known results on the 24th of Feb (day of my MRI) and 3 weeks to read something that I could know instantly is pretty unfathomable to me.  If I had an “in” or knew someone I could have the results with the snap of a finger.  It’s terribly disheartening.

But I can’t live in “ifs” and “shoulds” and “woulds”, right?  The fact is that it’s just “NOT”, so why fucking torture myself with something that isn’t….WELL the point stands that I want to change it.  BUT BUT BUT. I’m exhausted.  I am going to let it be.  I am sick and tired.

This stunning day makes me want to fly down a trail through the trees, breathing in the fresh grass smell and soaking up the sun.  The fact is that my body is asking me to do something, rest?  Whatever, for one reason or another my body isn’t ready to run.  Injury? I honestly believe that everything is connected, and my mind isn’t in a good place right now.  I need to heal from a holistic and whole body approach, and then I will be able to fulfill my potential and love.  I need to be at a place where I love myself.  Yesterday my brother asked me if I wanted to love myself unconditionally.  I replied “No”, but this was out of a dark place I was in and it was a protective albeit immature answer.  I do.  This is hard to say.  Can’t really understand why.  I am punishing myself for not running, which is fuelling the cycle of injury and preventing my healing.  Love heals everything, and I’m standing in my own way.  I’m a big believer in Eastern medicine and the power of self-healing, and I need to use my knowledge that I share and condone so much, and use it on myself.  It’s so much easier to tell people to do things than it is to take your own advice, isn’t it?

If you really want something in life, you will get it.  But you have to want it badly enough.

Not only do I desperately want to run, but I also am aware that I need to heal in order to do so.  I know I’m out of wack and something has to go back into place before I can realize that love.  I need to heal.  The hard part is starting, where the fuck to start?  I think it’s important that I start with positive thinking.  I think the end goal is to stop hating myself for what I am not, but instead loving myself for what I am.  Bro also said “you’ve gotta focus on the positive”, obvious lesson we learned in like, kindergarden, but maybe the words are rhetorical, but is the lesson?  Not in my world.  I roll my eyes when I think of that, but when I actually THINK of it, contemplate it, I realize that I don’t follow through with it.  Feed the soul with love and love will grow.

It’s a beautiful day outside, I’m going to appreciate what I can do today, and look forward to what I will be able to do in a tomorrow.

Here’s a corny ass song that’s been stuck in my head since last night (rrrrrrrrrrrrr).  Also, I’d like to send out my appreciation for my dear friend Cheryl, she is hitting things I’m struggling with dead on, and she’s my ground right now.  Honestly if you read this dear, you have no idea how much you are helping me.  This post is for you, thank you.  Smile, gyal.

Herrow

First blog post, more of a blog to write to myself than anything else.  Thoughts tend to get disorganized in my mind, so here’s a way for me to try to express myself systematically, and remember things I don’t want to forget.

Currently, my life is being consumed by an athletic injury.  Being plagued by impatience and frustrated beyond words sparks a vicious cycle of anger-hoplelessness-and spiralling depression.  Frankly, I feel robbed of my identity.  Like, if you’ve ever had your house broken into, you know that feeling where you don’t feel safe in your room or whatever, and your personal space is tainted and not yours, I feel that way with myself.  I get occasional sparks of recognition, especially brought on when I’m around others who reflect me, but that one-on-one interaction of me and nature, flying freely and effortlessly (yeah that’s a sick joke) down a trail is lost.  Lost is a good word for describing my place right now. That and fuck. I say fuck a lot these days.  Dirty mouth, frustrated.

This is kinda cool, I’m digging it.  Blogs piss me off sometimes, apart from my good friend Cheryl’s at http://happyisthenewhealthy.com/ (who is really a wicked role model for anyone who wants to live a good life, yeah I’ll say that boldly and broadly-she’s rad).  But I figured this will be a good way for me to think things out and deal with my injury.  I am eagerly anticipating the healed day when I will be able to train and become a strong, self-driven and self-competitive athlete so I can realize my potential and push my body, see just how far I can go and be fucking free.

 

More to come….that’s what she said.

“Every wall is a door” – Ralph Waldo Emerson